This Breath

Art for Learning, Art for Worship

2010-05-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

I would never introduce myself as "artistic," but I think I've learned that it's good for me to try to express creativity in some way. It provides a release and refreshment. When I was processing through a lot of hard stuff just over a year ago, my mentor gave me art assignments. I thought they were weird, but I loved working on them. They were good to process truths, express my feelings, and to worship.

A few days ago, I was reading when I felt an overflow of emotion to create... something... as an act of worship. Because the act of creating expresses those emotions better than anything else. (I don't know how to do anything well, so I usually revert to writing mediocre "liturgies," which would be called songs if I had any musical talent. But it's still my creativity expressed!)

Now I would love to tangent into why I believe the act of creating is so important for us, but that might make this post too long. To make it short, creating is one of the elements of being the image of God. God created. He made and did it with such joy! Over and over again He called it good. In many ways we are God's image, doing what He does. God creates and recreates in the process of salvation constantly. We create mirroring Him and acting as His image bearers. So it makes sense that it gives us so much joy as well. And think of all the art and skill used in worshipping God in the Bible! That's a whole other tangent... OK, back to where I was going.->

Over the years in leading bible studies and being in discipleship relationships, I have also found that when we made art together or as an assignment at home it changed the way we looked at the truth learned. The projects ground the truth deeper into me at least, and perhaps all of us.

I've talked to a few women the last few weeks who have really needed refreshment and wanted to express their worship to the Lord. I've suggested some art, but I didn't have a lot of instruction other than a brief assignment to get started. So how do we do this well? Express creativity for worship or for expressing the Biblical truths that move our hearts? How do we as a community who walks with Jesus share it with each other?

drawings

paintings

poetry

sculptures

writing

photography

creations...

I've seen people paint and draw on stage during a teaching/preaching time. They try to represent the main point in a visual form. I think this could be helpful at times. I still remember the painting from that sermon years ago, but it can also be distracting. What else can we do?

I saw this video today from Desiring God. While I think the conference sounds like it will have some good content, I was entranced at the drawings done to illustrate what Piper was saying. Can we do this to express truths? Is it beneficial? I loved seeing it. What do you think?

(In case it doesn't embed, go here.)

Guatemala Mission Trip

2010-04-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

I leave a week from tomorrow. That is scary to verbalize as there is a lot to get done before then!

Many of you don't know, but God has opened the door for me to go as a chaplain with a team of surgeons and nurses for the first week of May. We will be in a hospital in Antigua, Guatemala.

My role will be to lead the team in devotionals each morning and pray with each patient before they enter surgery. I have never been to Guatemala, but I do speak Spanish from my time spent in Spain, Mexico and Venezuela. It will be long days at the hospital, and I'm looking forward to what God will do.

God is the Great Healer. He is all about healing spiritual and physically. I'm praying that we will see Him do that overtly this week.

I hope many of you read this and are willing to be part of praying for me as I'm down there. Please send me a note or leave a comment if you would like to receive the emails. I'd love the prayer support. Because of the sensitivity of my role, I will probably post very little on facebook while I am down there, so the emails would be the best way to receive the news.

Things Learned as a Newlywed

2010-02-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

There are many things that I've learned about myself, since I've been married. (It's not even 5 months yet.) Many involve my sin issues, impatience, inflexibility... oh but I'm not going to expand on those. I knew my sin was going to be more visible in marriage. Instead here are a few other tendencies were unexpected in this new part of life.

1. I can worry about very implausible things.

Ok, so maybe this fits into the sin issues part, but I never really worried like this before. My imagination runs wild. If Matt is 20 minutes late, I'm imagining car wrecks, terrorists, a hostage situation, a heart attack or a natural disaster. That last one actually makes sense because of his job in disaster relief... if it is a disaster anywhere in the world. The rest... are pretty unlikely. Wow, I never dreamed up disasters before. In reality, Matt usually is late because he chatted with his boss or stopped to buy me flowers. One would think I would learn.

2. I buy "light" food now.

NEVER thought I would do that. I was the "if you're going to buy fattening food, go all out!" type. I had never really thought about losing weight; then I got married. We have both gained more weight than we ever have. (We don't own a scale, so numbers aren't available.) So "light" and "low fat" have become part of my vocabulary!

3. I really can be so upset or excited that I cannot sleep.

I used to think that whole "I'm so upset I can't sleep" thing was just out of movies and for overly emotional romantics. I'm the type of gal who can sleep anywhere anytime. (And who has slept in many random places) Well, I must have joined that romantics club, because if I'm excited to see Matt or am upset over something Matt and I have argued about, I can't sleep--all night. Bizzare. I didn't think that was real. (Ok, I know newlyweds aren't supposed to have "arguments." Well, that's bunk.)

4. I plan meals. I cook. I freeze vegetables for later use.

I'm that gal who can make about 6 things. Now I'm planning out meals for the week. Never thought that would happen either. Oh, and freezing fresh veggies for stew later on? Who does that? The only time I talked about "frozen" anything it was "Has anyone see my frozen Amy's burrito in the freezer?" or "Is my Ben and Jerry's still frozen?" Now there is frozen celery in my freezer. Who would have thought.

Longing for Things Made Right

2010-02-05T10:03:00.001-08:00

Last week I had a bad day. I came home to my husband angry. Angry at this world and what happens in it. Angry that I cannot stop it.

In that day, I spoke with three friends, lovely friends for whom I'm grateful. And I'm so grateful for all the work God has done in their lives recently. Yet, hearing and being reminded of their stories broke my heart once again. Each one has lost a parent in a horribly painful way. The first to genocide. The second to religious persecution. The third to suicide.

The stories of each are deep, painful, yet redeemed and beautiful. They are not stories I can tell on this blog. In the midst of the redemption, my heart still cries out, "When will this be over, God? When will You make things right again?" I hate that these things happened. The pain is horrendous.

Come, Lord Jesus. Make it right again.

Obey your desire

2010-02-04T12:29:00.001-08:00

"What do you want your life to look like?" "You can have anything you want!" "Do whatever makes you happy!"

We hear so often from this society that we can have whatever you want. Our lives can be whatever we desire. It's mesmerizing. It almost brainwashes us in the way we make decisions. We're around it so much that it numbs our senses.

But life isn't about picking out what we want. We stand here seeing what God is doing in the world, and we join Him. We see where we fit into His work and His plan with what He's given us. We serve. We sacrifice. We submit. And we love it.

Guard your world-view.

Preaching at myself again.

An Unsolicited Reminder

2010-01-19T11:53:00.001-08:00

"Keep Jesus foremost. Love Him supremely."

That was the sign off from an email I got a little while ago from someone I didn't know. I get emails from strangers often. Usually telling me about a new ministry move, asking me for money for their mission, or inviting me to join their organization. This was one of the latter.

What surprised me was how the sign off line really stuck with me all day... and multiple days afterwards. Normally, I ignore sign offs and tend to see them as cheesy and anything but heart felt. But this one was struck me differently. Keep Jesus foremost. Love Him supremely. Yes, that is what my heart is to be devoted to. Yes, that is what life is for.

So, Mr. Stranger: No, I will not join your organization or attend your seminar. But thank you. Thank you for the reminder. And Yes, I will keep Jesus foremost and love Him supremely. I pray you do likewise.

Disaster Relief in Haiti

2010-01-14T09:47:00.000-08:00

I’m grateful that my husband works in disaster relief. Even today when he will probably work late into the evening until he falls asleep. Like he did last night. Right now, I want there to be people like him working to get doctors and medical supplies into Haiti and the news of what is happening in Haiti back to people like us. Even if I feel like I cannot do much, I’m glad there are people like him who can.

I’ve learned some things about disaster relief since Matt has been working there. One thing that I didn’t know was how much weight the news industry carried. If there are large disasters, but the local news stations don’t cover them well or tell people where to give, people don’t know. If people don’t know, they don’t give. If they don’t give, then organizations like Medical Teams International, which works year round in countries in need and is strategically trained and positioned to go into disasters like this one, don’t have the funding to do what they do so well.

I might not have a large blog readership, but I encourage you to look into it. You can read about it on CNN and look at more photos here. And you can give here. MTI’s first of several disaster response teams leaves today. Pray that they can get into Haiti.

I’m praying for the people of Haiti and the workers at MTI who are doing what they do well.

Things talked about in our house

2009-12-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

What do my husband I talk about at night? Well, last night we spent quite a bit of time talking about water filter efficiency and researching different brands. This was necessary as we need one, but the extended research was a bit of fun. Doulton has some wicked filters.

But what he also showed me was Seth Godin's Blog. I realize that I'm probably way behind the times, but it seems that this guy is the tip top marketing writer now-a-days. My old marketing undergrad roots shot up as Matt began reading it to me and watching videos. So much fun! He's a stellar writer. Well, of course. He markets himself. This one was great about how the large rich customers are the ones you have to watch. It's official. People have abandoned the bookstores, and Amazon and the kindle will win.

Taylor's Day Off (And the Jesus Storybook Bible)

2009-12-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm taking the day off today. Many others I know are taking time off this week too, so I thought, "Perfect timing for me as well!" So here I am. What do I do when I have a free alone day with nothing planned? I read. I dream. I blog. I wander. Ok, well, honestly, those are the things that I want to do. But often free days are taken up with napping, running errands, and getting those little needed things done.

But since my wonderful husband has helped me get a lot of those little needed things done and I did plenty of wandering on Sunday (Powells= one of the best wandering places when it's cold), today is a reading and blogging day. Four years and one month ago I started this blog. It was a pretty lousy post, but it began a report on my new post-college life in Eastern Europe. The blog quickly turned into my reflection spot and eventually my place for theological processing as I went through seminary. Now it's place is still to be determined, but most likely it will be my preaching and processing outlet. That way my dear husband doesn't have to hear all my muddled thoughts, ardent spiritual reform ideas, and preaching topics in every evening.

Well, my reading list is long. The stack is high. (Matt has refused to buy me another book until I work it down.) But, I will prevail. I started "The Jesus Storybook Bible" last night and finished it this morning. I have given it out to friends but still haven't read it. I'm trying to stop that practice...

So that our parents don't get too excited, I want to clarify that I am not reading

a children's bible because we want children anytime soon. (Patience, Claudia.) Rather, a couple of my professors talked about the great biblical theology Sally Lloyd-Jones weaves through her stories, and the unity she produces pointing to Christ. Man, I'm interested in ways of telling the story of the Bible in understandable ways, showing the themes and the connections. I have tried twice to write the story, both times directed at friends who did not know Christ or have much Bible literacy. If we could do this better, if we could understand the whole story, if we could express it well, I think it would move our hearts to love the whole plan of God. It would draw us to our Bibles even more. And it would allow those who don't know Him to see clearly what He has been doing.

Well, a lot of what you see in this book is from Tim Keller's teaching, which isn't surprising as I believe Sally attends his church. I wasn't sure what to expect from the themes she would choose to develop. Most sharply I see her pulling out our need to know that God loves us. That is probably her most consistent theme throughout the whole book, beginning in her story of Adam and Eve, weaving it into how that caused them to not trust God and sin, in the stories of the Old Testament heroes knowing that God loved them, in David's 23rd psalm, in the prophets' messages, in the message that Christ tells the disciples to spread-- God loves them so much to die for them, and finally in the end when God will be with them. The way she does it has a very Kelleresque ring to it. We need to be the people God made us to be by knowing we are loved more than we ever imagined. I appreciate the theme, but admit that it is probably not the way I would have expressed it. I would have perhaps focused on His love that does all of these things, but not as much on the importance and transformation needed in knowing His love.

I loved the way she brought each story to an end pointing to Christ. I couldn't help but smile and sigh as I got to the end of each chapter, often tearing up a bit. Yes, the Better One, the Fulfillment was coming. There were a couple times that I wanted to jump in and add a small hermeneutics lesson saying that you could say that Jesus would some day be the Forgiving Servant and the Message, but that story of Naaman's servant girl and Jonah in the Bible was probably not written with that in mind. They were to teach other things about God... but I agree that when we teach, we do need to end with Christ. And she is writing to children with little space. So she takes them there. Using types perhaps more than I would... but probably classically Tim Keller.

I do love her use of "never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love." I need to hear that. It makes me think of חסד, God's faithful, covenantal love. I love the way she pushes her theme of God's making all things right. As classic Keller, she weaves sin and brokeness and sickness and sadness all together into what God did on the cross and what He was going to fix. At first I was wanting more emphasis on sin and justice and substitution (I know, classic Western Christianity thinking), but she did hit it well in the garden and at the cross.

I was moved to think about the faith steps that so many of the OT heroes took. They trusted God and obeyed over and over. They risked their lives, reputations, and families. She told the stories well, so that I wanted to trust God like them. Yet in each story, it was God who was the hero, as it should be. Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, David, Daniel might have trusted God, but it was God who saved the day. His love and power never ended.

Overall, I'm so grateful for her book. Next children's book: The Child's Story Bible by Catherine Vos... if I can find one. The literal next book... I have to pick from the stack.

What if Jesus Never Came

2009-12-29T11:54:00.001-08:00

Sometime in the beginning of December, someone posed the question, "What if Jesus never came?"

My first reaction was "Poppycock! That wouldn't have happened, since we believe that God planned His plan before the foundation of the world. His glory, fame, love, sovereignty, faithfulness, and compassion would never let that happen. What a silly thing to say."

Then I tried to get over my theological pomposity to actually ponder it. So many results flooded my mind it was a little overwhelming at first. I tried to not dissect it soteriologically, but rather as a human who experiences grace in every minute because of it.

If Jesus never came,

My prayers would be desperate attempts to prove myself and barter with God
My relationships would be without security of forgiveness or commitment
My community would be nothing more than people trying to gain alliances and happiness
As a woman, my rights could still be minimalized
My life would be about survival and finding happiness... wherever I could
The year would not be 2009
My country would be very different
The hospital that saved my life would not exist
I would not know what true love was

Thankful For:

2009-11-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is back again, and I remember how much I love it. I love the cooking with Mom (or sometimes in the past with good friends). I love eating with people. I love talking after the feast. I love just hanging around and listening and living with these people, knowing that I have no responsibility for today other than to know them and love them well. It's great.

Yet sometimes I forget that Thanksgiving is actually about being thankful. So I wanted to make a list of ten things I'm thankful for today. God has given so much.

1. For Christ's love and grace that flows into a secure relationship with Him... man, I take that for granted so often! It has become even more sweet (if that is possible) recently. Beautiful security and rest.

2. For my husband. This is our first holiday as man and wife, and I'm mushily, crazily grateful for him. He makes me smile and laugh. He comforts me and is so wise. He relaxes me like no other. He is the best team with me. He serves me so well. And he's so much fun.

3. For my family. My parents and sister are so wonderful. I think back to the last 15 years of my life, and I have often underestimated the gift they are. I miss them now when I live in Portland in ways I never thought I would.

4. For friends who have supported me and walked with me through this transition in life. Each lady in my wedding and the wonderful mentors as well.

5. For people who have believed in me and taken a chance on me in ministry. Empowering me and encouraging me. I'm so grateful to be part of a ministry team again.

6. For a church community where the Bible is the foundation of our lives. It is refreshing and wonderful.

7. For my health to be so good in this season, as there have been many harder seasons. His blessings are so good, especially during this transition.

8. For jobs for Matt and I so that we do not have to worry where food will come from. I know that God knows our needs no matter what, but He has been so gracious to provide for us now with these jobs. And ones that we enjoy.

9. For a new family in Claudia and Kali. I'm looking forward to the next holiday with them.

10. For the gift of studying what I love and almost being done with my degree.

I think sometimes that I have the best gifts in life. How could I be blessed with so much? A Savior who loves. A man who loves like Him. Pursuing a degree that I nerdily adore. Working in a job that I feel so privileged to do. Taken care of so well.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Because of the Resurrection

2009-10-23T23:15:00.001-07:00

Preaching at myself...

The verse 1 Cor. 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

has been one I’ve heard used to encourage laborers in the ministry many times. I know I’ve run over it countless times in sermons, lessons or just my reading, but this time the context stood out to me. I love that this charge is to be steadfast, immovable. It is to be always abounding in His work, knowing that it is not in vain. Yet even more power comes from the fact that the “therefore” at the beginning of the sentence points back to a chapter where Paul fights for and assures us of the resurrection of the dead. “There is a resurrection after all of this!” “A new spiritual body awaits! After death, it comes!” “There is victory over sin and death in Jesus!” Therefore, work hard. Be steadfast. It is not in vain. The relief, the inheritance, the imperishable comes next.

Interesting Things I Read Online

2009-10-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've been out for months with all of this transition, so it is time to catch up on all those blogs! It seems that quite a few of my friends have also slowed in their blog writing. This made catching up with them easier. Yet, then there are those who never seem to slow... even with a baby! The almost-published and very famous Mikalatos never gives up.

While the friends slowed in the blogging world, those theology and ministry blogs did not ease up the last few months of my crazy changing life. So I'm swamped with wonderful posts about goings on in the theology and ministry world.

Here are a few that caught my eye:

Extending the Kingdom wrote about a new film by IJM. I love what the International Justice Mission does. I have not heard of another organization that looks at the love of Christ and God's hate for injustice and takes real action to free individual slaves around the world. I have multiple friends whose dream it is to work for them. Anyway, their new documentary called At the End of Slavery looks good. I want to see it. *** This just in. Imago Dei is showing it next Friday at 7pm. The facebook invite is here.

I like Tim Keller. Those who know me are not surprised. Tim Keller's new book, Counterfeit Gods, came out a few days ago and sounds good. I have heard some great sermons from him on the topic (which seems to permeate his messages) and always been been convicting. Justin Taylor just wrote about an interview with him.

A blog discussing Islam and Christianity posted a picture representing the percentages of people fitting in each world religion. How many Christians would there be proportionally if the world was a village of 100? Check it out.

That's all for now!

Vein Pain: Part 2

2009-08-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

The story continued...

*** Addition to Vein Pain: Part 1- I forgot to thank the wonderful nurses I had in the hospital that first night. You know who you are. Thank you so much for your comfort and care!

Saturday
After getting out of the hospital on Friday, I went home to my house in SE Portland. The next morning, my loving and worried mother came up to take me to the doctor appointment. They wouldn't let me out of the hospital the night before without a follow up appointment scheduled the next day, so I had found a doctor on the internet and scheduled an appointment.

As my mom and I walked up to the clinic, I noticed that the sign for the office was hand done and turning black. The front doors said "WE DELIVER BABIES" on a vinyl sign that made me think of some kind of FedEx message. In the waiting room was a large display recounting the benefits of a medical procedure that could make my eye lashes longer. As I limped on the crutches up to the counter, the sign on the desk told me that Botox was right for me. The poster on the back wall discussed losing weight the "medical way." That gives you an idea of how my appointment went. Needless to say, we wanted to find a new doctor to help with the blood clot problem, but it had to wait until after the weekend.

Exhausted and in pain, my mother whisked me off to my hometown to spend the weekend with both of my parents. It was wonderful to be with them and be taken care of. My father helped me move from room to room and joked that he didn't get to carry me like that since I was three. My mother, as always, tried to feed me enough food to fill an army.

Monday
The weekend ended, and my soon-to-be mother-in-law, Claudia, was worried about me. She made some phone calls to the head of vascular surgery in her hospital. I'm so grateful that she did.

The pain had increased, and I was wondering what to do. The vascular doc looked at my file and called Claudia back. I was to get into the hospital NOW. Leave Corvallis now and get there ASAP. I was too young. This was not normal. I needed a procedure.

We arrived, and the doctor quickly explained that he thought I had a rare narrowing of the vein above my left leg. He said he sees it sometimes in women in the twenties, and then he excitedly explained how he wanted to fix it. It was good to see that he got excited about helping with these kinds of things but kind of funny watching someone be so excited about cutting into me. Yet, Matt, my mom, and I all felt really good finally being with a specialist. Thank You, Lord!

My blood was way too thin (because of too much medication from the previous hospital), so we waited until the next morning to do the procedure. One more night in the hospital...

Tuesday
8:30am came, and it was time to hit the cath lab. The doctor put an incision in my knee and put a catheter in my vein, up through my blood clot, into my abdomen. I had to lay flat for 24 hours while the catheter gave off ultrasound and seeped medication to break up the clot. Holding still for 24 hours, head always on the pillow, no sitting up, no moving of my leg, needles in every limp, in an intensive care unit... rough.

Again, the nurses were amazing. Matt was there through almost all of it, reading to me, and just watching me fade in and out of my highly drugged state. I learned about new kinds of pain that day and a lot more about pain medication. But that's another story. I'm glad we did it, but I don't want to do it again!

Wednesday
8:00am- back to the cath lab. They took out the catheter, scrubbed my vein with their angiojet, and worked their angioplasty to open up the vein again. While they got almost all of the mega clot out, my vein would not stay open. With my age, they decided that it was best to keep me on blood thinners and allow my body to grow new veins around the area to fix itself. More surgery to the area would not be beneficial in the end.

The recovery was a little rough that day as the pain meds wore off and I adjusted to walking again. But Matt and I kept thinking it was one day closer to being out of there. Our doctor was there early in the morning and late at night each day to check on us. The doctors explained everything to Matt, so he could remember what was done a lot better than I could with all the meds I was on. We're so grateful for all their time!

Thursday
After an ultrasound showing that most of the clot was gone (but not all of it), I packed up and headed out before noon. Matt had set up my room just right for recovery. So wonderful!

The Last Week
The last week of recovery has been slow, but good. I haven't needed the heavy duty pain meds, since I came home, even though I have them. It feels like the clot is gone, but now I just have inflamation, muscle pain, bruising and weakness. So much less than the sharp vein pain from before.

We are figuring out the medication routine, and it is making more and more sense. We haven't used the wheelchair in a few days, and I drove today! "Baby steps" is what Matt keeps telling me. I still over-do some days, but I'm getting better! I think I can be on my feet for at least 30 minutes just fine right now.

So Grateful

For a God who never leaves us, who bore more pain than I could ever imagine to reconcile me to Himself, who sovereignly rules all things, even broken bodies, for our good and for His glory, who uses us in His plan even when we feel completely out of control
For a fiance who is perseverant in his love like Jesus, even when I'm a mess and am broken
For modern medicine
For a mother-in-law who takes action to take care of me
For parents who made sure I was on health insurance and who are always quick to show me love sacrificially
For doctors and nurses who really care
For roommates who take care of me
For friends who bring us food
For friends and family who pray and send loving notes
For a job that is still waiting for me

Vein Pain: Part 1

2009-08-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in two weeks. And I feel like the story needs to be told. Many have asked for the details, and in the details are some wonderful people who need to be thanked. So, here is the story.

Two weeks ago, I hadn't been feeling well, but I figured it was from all the stress of life. If anyone asks, tell them that finishing your masters, being engaged, planning a wedding (yes, those are different stressors), starting a new job, and buying a house is too much to do in 3 months. So you can imagine the overwhelmedness that would set in at times.

Wednesday
Anyway, two weeks ago Wednesday I had had some sharp pain in my left thigh during the day, and as the day progressed it did as well. By the time Matt arrived for our "date night," I couldn't walk up the stairs without extreme pain. Matt, being the wise man who consistently shocks me with his random knowledge, calmly mentioned that it could be a blood clot and we should go to a doctor instead of going on our date. Nervous, we went to an urgent care. The doctor there told us that blood clots don't happen above the knee and sent us away. The pain increased through the night, but I tried to be a trooper.

Thursday
I woke up to the same great pain in my leg if I put any pressure on it. I was in tears trying to get up the stairs. My roommate, Stacie, works at OHSU and is another one of those people who knows a lot about everything... especially anything science for Stacie. In her great depths of knowledge, she took one look at my left leg which was more purple than the right and told me we were going to the ER.

After the customary long hours in the ER and my suspect claims of something wrong with my leg, they finally did an ultrasound. Within five seconds, the tech said, "Well, I thought... Well, you do have a blood clot. A very large one." Sure enough, there was a blood clot from the middle of my thigh, up through my hip and into my illiac vein. My favored doctor in the bunch smiled and said, "Always trust your gut! Or in this case, trust the gut of your fiance and roommate!" Amen to that.

To our surprise, I was admitted. They wanted to help me start the process of blood thinners and find a doctor to monitor me. They said that if I was on them for 3-6 months the clot would go away on its own. It was a long night in the hospital for Matt and I. Little sleep, fear and uncertainty, IVs and wires, pain and nausea. We didn't know this was just our introduction to hospital nights.

From the beginning, Matt was quick to remind me that God used all things for His glory and that He was there with a plan even in this. Matt was great in calming me down and praying with me. I'm so blessed.

Friday
Matt left to help with a church retreat that he had committed to help with. I told him to go, and he felt it was best at least for the first day. The doctors told me this wasn't a big deal and that I really didn't need to have spent the night in the hospital. Stacie picked me up around 1pm with a stack of prescriptions and instructions to try to walk, tough out the pain (with a little help from pain killers), and wait for the clot to leave.

That was Hospital Round 1. My friend, Kevin, brought me crutches, and I went home to my kind roommates thinking the adventure was over.

The story to be continued...

Calvin Quotes

2009-07-30T21:36:00.001-07:00

Justin Taylor posted quotes from Calvin's preface to Pierre Robert Olivétan’s French translation of the New Testament. The footnote in Calvin: Commentaries says that Calvin wrote it one year after his conversion, and it is his first written statement of faith. And what a profession it is!

It was moving for me, so I post it here for you.

Without the gospel
everything is useless and vain;

without the gospel
we are not Christians;

without the gospel
all riches is poverty,
all wisdom folly before God;
strength is weakness,
and all the justice of man is under the condemnation of God.

But by the knowledge of the gospel we are made
children of God,
brothers of Jesus Christ,
fellow townsmen with the saints,
citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven,
heirs of God with Jesus Christ, by whom
the poor are made rich,
the weak strong,
the fools wise,
the sinner justified,
the desolate comforted,
the doubting sure,
and slaves free.

It is the power of God for the salvation of all those who believe.
It follows that every good thing we could think or desire is to be found in this same Jesus Christ alone.

For, he was
sold, to buy us back;
captive, to deliver us;
condemned, to absolve us;
he was
made a curse for our blessing,
[a] sin offering for our righteousness;
marred that we may be made fair;
he died for our life; so that by him
fury is made gentle,
wrath appeased,
darkness turned into light,
fear reassured,
despisal despised,
debt canceled,
labor lightened,
sadness made merry,
misfortune made fortunate,
difficulty easy,
disorder ordered,
division united,
ignominy ennobled,
rebellion subjected,
intimidation intimidated,
ambush uncovered,
assaults assailed,
force forced back,
combat combated,
war warred against,
vengeance avenged,
torment tormented,
damnation damned,
the abyss sunk into the abyss,
hell transfixed,
death dead,
mortality made immortal.

In short,
mercy has swallowed up all misery,
and goodness all misfortune.

It's been a long time

2009-07-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

It's been so long! A lot is about to change in my life too.
Graduating from seminary.
Getting married to a wonderful man.
Getting a job.
Moving to a new house.

So much change! But, honestly, in the midst of that change, I hope that I get to come back to this blog. I hope that my reflections and thoughts get to be processed and published here again.

So here's hoping!

The Great Exchange

2009-05-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

Response from Isaiah 52:13-53:12

Jesus, you were marred beyond what we could think of as a man. You had grown up as a normal man. We did not flock to you for your looks. Yet it was You who we needed. You were the God of our creation and our salvation, there before us.

In Your normalcy, we ignored you. You were hated and rejected. You knew sorrow and pain. And we affirmed the rejection and disregarded your worthiness. We snubbed you as trash.

We thought it was God punishing You for Your sin. You were justly receiving for Your guilt and insignificance. Yet it couldn’t be more contrary. You were guiltless, good, true. You were the opposite of insignificant as the Almighty God.

Yet, in this act, You bore our pains, our sorrows. As we despised You, You were wounded for our rebellion, our comfortable sin, our evil transgressions. Punishment for you. Peace for us. Wounds for you and healing for us. We have all gone astray, defiantly gone our own way. And the LORD put it on You.

Yet Your example was perfect. You didn’t speak back in anger. You were silent. You were covered in judgment yet no one thought it was for their own sin. Shame for the Most Honorable. Death and violence for the One who is Life and Goodness.

Not as an accident. The Father willed it. He accomplished it. God’s will did well in Your obedient hand. And Your soul was an offering. It would achieve the end and make many to be made righteous. You would bear their iniquities and they your righteousness.

Therefore, You are given the reward. You share it with the strong. Recompensed because You chose to give your soul to death. You chose the scorn and shame and rejection we gave You in all our offense. And You bore our sin and made intercession for us, the transgressors.

It is the shocking irony. The scandalous rescue. It is the great exchange.

The Tension

2009-04-15T20:34:00.001-07:00

There is a returning tension in my life between braininess/nerdiness/joy of learning and the practicality/ joy of being with and loving real people. It sounds like just a funny quirk and not that life changing, but really, how I approach it changes what I do with my time and where I spend my life. This week is a good example of the extremes.

This evening I am sitting in my living room with my laptop on my lap. In the two previous days, I've probably spent over 16 hours on my computer staring at Biblical texts and notes on such texts and writing more documents about aforementioned texts for class. Then for a change, tonight I've been rummaging my normal blogs, looking for new articles, quotes or messages from different pastors and theologians. A couple of lectures on the use of the Old Testament in the New by D.A. Carson jumped out at me, and I downloaded them without hesitating. While I should be writing a paper, I've justified it to myself that this can count as "research." So for the last 2 hours I have been reading new articles from Goldsworthy and listening to Carson and placing holds on books by Kostenberger. Man, I love this. My reading list has exploded. Carson has me drooling over some Greek and wishing I could read Septuagint Greek better (ok, ALL Greek better). I'm criticizing myself for not coming to more solid conclusion on where I stand on certain Old Testament interpretations and am really wishing that I had a place I could teach about the biblical theology of the temple, since it gets me all worked up.

Then on the flip side, today I met a new gal named Marta (not her real name). Marta had read very little of the Bible before, just the beginning and the end, and she had no church experience. A new friend and I sat down and talked with her about what the Bible said and why Jesus mattered in life. Suddenly, it didn't matter what I thought of the implications of a certain Hebrew verb in Deuteronomy. It didn't even matter that I knew Deuteronomy was written in Hebrew. All that mattered was Jesus. I mean, it was nice how easily I could talk about how the Old Testament led to Him, but really, she needed to hear about love, forgiveness, hope, grace and life. She needed me to listen and to love her, so I did. And it was great. The delight it was to share with her about those things was greater than all the highs of Hebrew grammar (even though those are really pretty great for me).

So I wonder why I even play with the idea of getting another degree. How does that change that the world? Some days I would love to come back to academia. I would LOVE to study more. Man, I just want to eat it all up. I'd love to write my thoughts. But would I just be hiding in academia with other Christians who are avoiding the pain and need in the world? Really, does the church need more people in academia? Or does it need more people to meet, love and listen to Martas?

I guess the other question is: can I live in both worlds? They are supposed to be able to go together, but I don't really see how they do. I don't do half way well. I know this about myself. I tend to throw myself into whatever is before me. Moderation does NOT come easily. So I guess I live in tension, with one ruling my life at one period and then the other during another era. And I'll just vacilate in multi-year stints from one to the other for the rest of my life? Or I'll get wiser and figure out how to actually do both well. Or the Lord will make clear the way I need to go. Or something like that...

Back Again

2009-04-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

I've been gone a long time from this blog. There has been quite the journey in my life while I was away. Perhaps that will come out as I write. Perhaps not.

In the end, God has been very faithful. He continues to teach me about Himself. I am awed that He really is a loving God. I am awed that He is a gracious God. I am grateful for His good gifts.

I feel like I know more than I did before, and in other ways I know a lot less. That is probably what happens in large perspect shifts happen in your life.

But on we go.

From Philippians 2

2009-01-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

I re-edited that liturgy I was playing with. I wanted it to be a call and response. Carolyn and I used it at a devotional time the other morning, and I wanted to re-post the final version.

I don't know if it makes sense to others, but this truth moves me to worship each time I consider the incarnation and then His glorification. I love the way the Bible lays it out in so many places.

It is Philippians 2:6-11 mingled with verses from John 1, Luke 2, Isaiah 9, Isaiah 53, Jeremiah 23, Psalms 110, Hebrews 2, and Revelation 19 and 22.

Christ existed in the form of God,
In the beginning You were the Word, and You were with God, and You were God
But He came,
You were born that day in the city of David, a Savior, Christ the Lord
He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant,
You came with no majesty that we would flock to you, but you were despised and rejected
He took on full humanity with His deity,
You, the Great Light, stepped into the darkness
Then, in shocking humility, He chose in obedience to die,
Like a lamb You were led to the slaughter and You opened not your mouth
Not any sort of death, but one on a cross,
You were wounded for our transgressions and crushed for our iniquities
Therefore God has highly exalted Him,
He has put everything in subjection to You, crowning You with glory and honor
His name is above every other,
Your name is Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Before Him every knee should bow,
For You are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.
And every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord
We worship You, Jesus, highly exalted. King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
And this brings glory to God the Father
Amen

Paradise

2008-12-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

I long for paradise.

The photo is the view from the couch in our living room where I'm spending most of my Christmas holiday. This place is spectacular, especially for the water-loving Wilson Family. It has been called paradise by many who spend time here, and I'll admit that it has even been been known to come from my lips. But in all of the beauty of the creation here, that is what it still is. Creation.

I long for true paradise many days, today being one of them. The place where I don't just see the beauty of creation but behold the beauty of the Creator. I look forward to life after death when we will be in Christ's presence. The joys that we experience here are only a taste of what it will be to be with Him. Here we see amazing colors of fish and other sea life. We harness the wind in sails and speed along. There we will see the colors of His glory. We will be brought along by the desire to praise Him.

Christmas approaches. We celebrate His first coming. Thank you, Jesus, for coming! Thank you for taking on humanity in your deity and choosing the form of a slave. Thank you for your obedience to death. Thank you that by this I am made well. God became man.

I'm grateful for His first coming, but now I await His second. As I long for paradise I know that it may come in death, or it may come in His second coming. He will make all things right. He will bring whole peace. We will finally see how all things are in subjection to Him.

So I sit in what may be called paradise, longing for the true fulfillment of the word, and I say with the Spirit and the Church "Come, Lord Jesus. Come quickly."

Gregory of Nyssa on the Incarnation

2008-12-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

It is not the vastness of the heavens and the bright shining of the constellations, the order of the universe, and the unbroken administration over all existence, that so manifestly displays the transcendent power of God as his condescension to the weakness of our human nature, in the way sublimity is seen in lowliness.

St. Gregory of Nyssa

Death

2008-12-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

We don't talk about death much anymore. It's a forbidden topic until something horrible happens, and death invades our life without invitation. Yet, death is part of life. It is coming.

If I remember correctly, many who followed Christ in centuries past spoke of death as a teacher. Those of us who have trusted Christ can look towards death and not fear. Thinking often of death is healthy, they would say. I remember when Carolyn gave me a book by Thomas A Kempis a few years ago. He constantly talked about death. I thought he was pretty morbid at first, but then began to grasp what he was pointing at. We should live so that we rejoice and not fear in the day of death. "Happy is he that always hath the hour of his death before his eyes and daily prepareth himself to die" Kempis wrote. William Law also said that we should make every day a day for preparation for it. Today's author Gary Thomas writes that forgetting death tempts us to forget our perspective.

I think that spending time with the young probably adds to this avoidance of death. Many of us are not facing it in any quickly approaching decade, or so we think. So it doesn't cross our minds.

But then someone I love is deathly ill. Then it comes quickly and must be interacted with. Death brings ultimate healing for those who have trusted Christ, I preach to myself as I pray for my sick friend. My perspective must be eternal. This is not the end. Real joy. Real life. Real presence of Christ is awaiting my friend. Death is coming, but it no longer has victory.

Don't get me wrong. Death still hurts. Death is still a punishment in this world that I hate. Death came because of sin, and it is final. It came when man rebelled against God and has reigned. (Romans 5:12-14) And after death comes judgment, so many should fear it. (Heb. 9:27) We do not and should not make light of it.

Yet in the midst of this there is hope for a resurrection at the coming of Christ. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. There is hope to be in the presence of Christ immediately and forever.

Christ said "it is finished." Everything has changed. Death, while it is penal and the end of this life, is not the real end. We have hope. We have joy. We have eternal life. Death is coming. Heaven is coming as well.

Worship the Son

2008-12-01T12:12:00.001-08:00

Now, You have spoken to us by Your Son.

The Son. The One He appointed heir of all things.
The Son. The One through whom He created the world.
The Son. The radiance of God’s glory.
The Son. The exact imprint of His nature.
The Son. The One who upholds the universe by His powerful word.
The Son. The One who made purification for sins.
The Son. The One who sat down at the right hand of the Majesty.
The Son. The One superior to angels with a more excellent Name.
The Son. The One He has begotten.
The Son. The One whose father is the Father.
The Son. The One worthy of worship.
The Son. The One who loved righteousness and hated wickedness.
The Son. The Anointed One.
The Son. The Eternal One who has no end.
The Son. The One whose enemies will be made a footstool for His feet.

Thank You

2008-11-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

By Melissa's request, here are some of the things I have been thanking God for recently. A mentor in our lives has encouraged us to write down ten a day. Here's 10 for today:

1. I'm thankful for my family, who are loving, supportive, and just plain fun.
2. I'm thankful for the ability to study theology. I feel God's love when I get to read this stuff!
3. I'm thankful for wise men and women of God who speak into my life.
4. I'm thankful for the Scriptures that is God speaking today.
5. I'm thankful for God's providence. He rules this universe, and I am but a daughter.
6. I'm thankful for the Spirit's conviction.
7. I'm thankful for rest.
8. I'm thankful for roommates and friends who live life with me.
9. I'm thankful for Matt.
10. I'm thankful for the cross of Christ that gave me life.

Praise to the One who Came

2008-11-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

Christ, You existed in the form of God

In the beginning was the Word, and the You were with God, and You were God

But You came,

The angels burst into song at such an event

You emptied yourself, taking the form of a servant,

Born that day in the city of David was a Savior, You, Christ the Lord

Donning the clothing of one unworthy to even serve You

The shepherds marveled at You in the manger.

You took on full humanity with your deity.

You, the Great Light, stepped into the darkness

Then, in shocking humility, You chose to die

Surely You have borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;

Not any sort of death, but one on a cross

Like a lamb that is led to the slaughter and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent so You opened not your mouth

Because of this God lifts You high and gives You every honor

He will make your enemies a footstool for your feet

Your name is above every other

Your name is Wonder of a Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Every knee will bow to You

You are the Branch and shall reign as King

And every tongue will confess that You are Lord

May we be like Simeon whose eyes saw God’s salvation before he died. He held You in his arms and confessed who You are. May we cling to You and proclaim it now.

And this will bring glory to God the Father

Amen

Ponderings from Philippians 2, John 1, Luke 2, Isaiah 9, Isaiah 53, Jeremiah 23 and Psalms 110

Advent

2008-11-19T09:35:00.000-08:00

Oh Son of God,
divinity and humanity,
coming to us,
dying my death,
freeing me of sin,
One who came to rule
One who brought peace,
a reconciled Father, finally,
my heart adores
my life is changed
my hope is made

Loving People Well Through Facebook

2008-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

Here's sermon notes on how to use Facebook for the good.

I've thought about the biblical uses of Facebook, but I never thought I'd hear a sermon on it. I kind of like the directness... and the easy application.

Gifts

2008-11-14T17:06:00.000-08:00

The Holy Spirit has gifted the church. And really, He has done it well. I often don't think that way. I worry and ponder on how things will get done, wondering if I can better myself to accomplish things that don't come naturally to me. You know, with some sort of self-help strategy. Then I get kicked in the butt.

I realize, to my joy, that God has gifted many in the church with those very things. Am I paying attention to their gifts, drawing them out? Am I asking them to help me or teach me? Am I empowering them? My, my, the Body is hurting for them to be using the gifts they were designed to use. Do we treat them as invisible and less important? "We can do without that toe.."

In the same way, I need to know my gifts, know them well, and use them. For the good of the body. Not for my glory. Not to earn a name. Not to make myself useful. But to serve, so that we may be whole. So that the Bride, the Church, may be healthy.

Preaching at myself again.

Universal

2008-11-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out my inbox today, needing to reply to emails that I had gotten behind on.

I had a note from friend in Africa telling me to see the trials and harships I face as God sees them and not as man sees them.
I had a note from friend in Indonesia telling me about God's heart for street children.
I had a note from friend in Eastern Europe telling me about lost needing to hear about Christ.

I love that God is working all over the world. I love how His character is the same no matter what continent you are on. I love that His love unites across oceans.

That's my thought for the day.

Happy Birthday, Billy

2008-11-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

Billy Graham turns 90 years old today. As a man who has spoken the Gospel to more people than anyone else in history, I thank God for him.

Here's an interview with his oldest son, Franklin Graham, on NBC. They talk about Rev. Graham's story, his crusades, the loss of his wife, and his health today. I appreciate how they celebrate him. One of the quotes of the 90 year old man is that Christianity taught him how to die but not how to grow old. I love that he knows how to die. Praise God that we know what death is when we have Christ. I also love his honesty in the struggles of growing old! Apparently he has lost a lot of his sight and doesn't get to read the scriptures anymore. What a pain to a man who I'm sure has spent so much time in them.

I've read multiple things by Franklin Graham as I appreciate his work with Samaritan's Purse. I have distinct memories of reading his book Rebel with a Cause in high school and being impacted by it. But I don't remember hearing him talk about his father. Today Franklin talked about his dad on various topics. Then at the end (around 4 and a half minutes) he changes the subject to talk about the evangelistic organization his father started. He couldn't let the interview end without mentioning God's love, Christ's death and resurrection, and the offer of a relationship with God. Preach it, Franklin. Preach it like your daddy. Don't let an opportunity go by without the Gospel being on your lips.

Prayers for our Government

2008-11-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

Last night Matt and I were brainstorming verses regarding the government, God's sovereignty, and our proper response. Here are a few that we found:

13 Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, 14 or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. 15 For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. 16 Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. 17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1 Peter 2:13-17

The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will. Proverbs 21:1 21

My son, fear the Lord and the king, and do not join with those who do otherwise, Proverbs 24:21

The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples. 11 The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations. 12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people whom he has chosen as his heritage! 13 The Lord looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; 14 from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, 15 he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds. 16 The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. 17 The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. 18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, 19 that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine. Psalm 33:10-19

1 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, 2 for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. 1 Timothy 2:1-2 10

So, we pray.
Father, thank you for the government that You have given us. May we not use our freedom for evil but for good. May we use what we have in freedom and peace to spread Your name to the nations and to the people here in our country. May we bring honor to Your name. We honor the government You have placed over us. We know that You are fully in control. You are not surprised by anything. It is Your plan that will come to be. We pray for those who will lead us. May they lead the people to what is right and to You. Please protect them. Even in your sovereignty, we know that You hear and respond to our prayers. May we as your people be subject to these leaders and do good. In Your Name. Amen.

The comfort of God's providence

2008-11-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

Pslams 33 outlines God's hand involved in the world, from creation to the rule of nations and human hearts. Then you arrive at verse 18.

Psalms 33:18-19

הִנֵּה עֵין יְהוָה אֶל־יְרֵאָיו לַמְיַחֲלִים לְחַסְדּוֹ
לְהַצִיל מִמָוֶת נַפְשָׁם וּלְחַיּוֹתָם בָּרָעָב

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, on those who are waiting for His loving kindness, to pull out their soul from death and to keep them alive in famine.

Reformation and Repentance

2008-10-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

Today in 1517 Martin Luther, a monk and biblical lecturer, nailed 95 theses to a door in Wittenberg. The theses were directed to the Archibishop of Mainz and were an invitation to debate regarding the legitimacy of the sale of indulgences. While written in Latin by Luther, they were translated to German and other European languages and distributed to the people. The Reformation began.

The first of the 95 said this: "Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He said 'Poenitentiam agite,' willed that the whole life of believers should be repentance."

In context, Luther was contrasting the buying of an indulgence from the church with the idea of full repentance for sin. Yet, today we still need to hear "that the whole life of believers should be repentance." Turning from sin, with the whole of our lives, knowing that repetition of the behavior dishonors God. We need this. Seeking forgiveness and honesty about who we are and the grace we receive from Christ.

Recently, I've heard people talk about how that they want to be free from guilt. They really mean that they don't want to be told they sin. They figure if we don't admit that we do wrong, then we won't have to deal with guilt. Longing for freedom and joy, I can understand why they don't want to deal with guilt. But they don't know that this denial will not lead to freedom. Romans 6:16 runs through my head

Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?

The only freedom is in repentance and obedience. There is no freedom in denial. Our whole life should be affected by repentance, proving the new heart we have been given. We do sin, and when we do again, freedom comes in repentance again. There is an advocate when we sin. (1 Jn 2:1) I pray that we see the joy in this and not the fear. The joy of repentance, honesty, and obedience.

May we follow our Lord and Master Jesus Christ and may our whole lives be repentance.

2008-10-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Melissa. So here we go!

Here are seven random facts about me:

1. I have, in fact, been inside a movie theater, even if I don't know anything about movies.

2. I have not totaled all of the vehicles that I have owned. Two were totaled by others.

3. I still haven't made it to Australia. The last continent.

4. I live with five, wonderful, single women.

5. I love languages with funky script.

6. I live in "the infirmary." It's the name of our room.

7. I'm a huge nerd.

Now I'm tagging others to do the same! Stacie, Laura, Alexis, Kelsi, Andy, John, and Sarah. Ready, go!

Ecclesiology Makes Me Cry

2008-10-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a pattern.

Pneumatology makes me pensive. I think and process and then study some more, wanting to understand and gaining hope.

Theology of providence (is there a word for that?) makes me feel dependent and in awe. Then I pray more. Strange but it makes me want to talk to God about the ways He either is or isn't involved in things.

Bibliology makes me feel disillusioned. I feel like an idiot as I often try to make up truth on my own or self-interpret my life. Then I think about the way God has revealed Himself.

Lastly,
Ecclesiology makes me cry. There's something about learning about the doctrine of the church that is... amazing. God's plan includes us. The Bride by the preaching of His Word... Then learning about what we, the church, are designed to be... and how far we fall. The things we think "church" is about, but how dreadfully far off we are... Yep. It's like clockwork- I tear up.

The Church Outside of the Western World

2008-10-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Do the faithful believers in the two thirds world ever argue about the silly things we argue about? Timothy Tennent remarked at the end of his book Theology in the Context of World Christianity that often they are too busy planting churches, preaching the Gospel and caring for those in need to be debating many of these things. They don't pay attention to the ideas that lower God and make us more comfortable. It makes me wonder if we really thought things through in light of the universal church, if many of these concepts, terms and heart-breaking, mind frustrating debates would disappear in light of the mission.

I'm not anti intellectual and think that many things we debate are important. Sometimes I just wonder if we get exceedingly carried away. Who wants to live in academia? Let me rephrase that, since many would probably answer affirmatively. Who should live in academia when we see what Christ has done for us and commanded us to do.

Ok. Those are my rantings.

In the Midst of the Wind

2008-10-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight was not a night I felt well, but a friend reminded me that my body is still a gift. She also reminded me of the way my health gives me the time to be alone with God. As I run to Him with a body that doesn't cooperate, He is ever faithful to answer, to give peace, to calm. He uses even this to draw me to Himself.

In these times, this poem by Amy Carmichael often runs through my head. I posted it over 2 years ago when I found it. I felt like it expressed exactly how I feel when my health acts up; it expresses the same prayer I pray tonight.

Before the winds that blow do cease
Teach me to dwell within Thy calm:
Before the pain has passed in peace,
Give me, my God, to sing a psalm.
Let me not lose the chance to prove
The fullness of enabling love.
O Love of God, do this for me:
Maintain a constant victory.
-Amy Carmichael

The Unique Relationship

2008-10-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

The other day a classmate talked about the purposeful time he takes to try to apply everything he reads for class. I was convicted. I don't take time to apply it all. So often I'm flying along, just trying to keep up. So this week, I tried to make more of an effort to process as I read.

Anyway, one of the books I had to read for class this week was God's Greater Glory by Bruce Ware. (We read Cottrell's and Boyd's views on providence already.) In one of the middle chapters, he discusses the divine-human relationship. He points out that our relationship with God is not like any other relationship we have and our trying to make it so is horrible erroneous. It is not a relationship among equals. Nor one of an older and wiser human to a younger one like myself. He is not my buddy. He is does not need anything from me. Every other relationship needs something. These are basic truths that Ware reminded me of when he wrote:

For in this relationship, one Member of the relationship knows absolutely everything (and this is not a hyperbolic expression, in this case), and the other knows far less than he thinks. One Member has perfect foresight and knows every detail of what the future holds, and the other has difficulty knowing where to lay hands on his keys before he heads to the car... One Member possesses every quality or perfection in his being both infinitely and intrinsically-- while the other possesses only a minuscule amount and only then because any and all of it has graciously been given to him by the One who has it all!... One Member is absolutely honest, completely trustworthy, never breaks a promise, always keeps his word, is always on (his) time, and always does his work exactly right, every time-- while the other. . . well, let's just say that the other doesn't fare well here.

Ware goes on to show other extremely contrasts, and even in the midst of this, he describes the desire of a partnership and intimate relationship that that one Member wants with those of us who lack so much. I forget these contrasts often. My pride and self-dependence declare my service to God and interaction with God as something praiseworthy, rather than pure grace... by a very Good and Majestic God.

So that's an application for the week. Deep humility and awe at this unique relationship with the One that is more than I can grasp.

Preach it, Bride and Groom!

2008-09-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

I've gone to quite a few weddings this summer. It has been the most out of any summer in my life. Well... that makes sense if you consider I have been out of the country or just in the US for a short period of the summer the last few years. Anyway, it's that age where all the friends get hitched.

One night, a group of seminarians were hanging out, and I mentioned all the weddings, probably making some joke about something in the water. The group groaned in agreement, and a couple people mentioned how much they hated going to them. But really, I don't hate going to weddings. I LOVE going to them... well, some of them.

This spring/summer I have gone to at least three weddings where as some of my beloved friends made a vow before the Lord, they also preached the Gospel to the people gathered. I got teary-eyed at each one. And it wasn't because the wedding was so beautiful. It was because the expression of hope in Jesus Christ at a wedding is so powerful. Man, it seems to be one of the most powerful places to express it to me.

At one wedding, one of the pastors told the couple's stories. They started with the childhood of the bride and then the groom and wove the tale of how God ransomed them each into His Kingdom and then how He brought them together. It was lovely and very well done. At another, the songs were full of beautiful redemptive truth. Then the pastor laid out the nature of man and the need for Christ to live in a marriage. He must redeem us. We must be helped to live holy by His power. It was wonderful (but I was a little biased). Then just the other day, the father of the bride was allowed to give the message at her wedding. He unpacked our need for Jesus. We must trust Him in life now for this is what life is about. We must trust Him in marriage, in the small and large things. We must love Him. He is our joy. He is the faithful One. I soaked it in.

Weddings are amazing things. It moves something deep inside of me when a man and woman stand in front of people and commit their lives to each other and then say "This is a foggy image of Christ and the Church." It almost takes my breath away. That is how He loves His people. What wonder that we would see the mystery of Christ and His bride in human marriage.

So, now you know. I like pretty wedding stuff, good food, fun dancing, and happy people. But really, I go to weddings for the preaching.

The "Full" Gospel

2008-09-18T20:25:00.001-07:00

I was blog surfing this morning. Yes, I probably should have been studying. But anyway, this felt way more life-giving, so I'm glad I did it.

So I ended up on this blog that was talking about incorporating Good Deeds and the Good News of Jesus. Last night I was talking with an old friend about ways to share the news of Jesus work and kingdom with students. I had visited some people that evening hoping to get to talk with them, but it didn't work out. To add to my processing, my roommate is reading a book on evangelism in the 21st century. Do people want to hear about this? How is it applicable? How can they hear it? Anyway, with all of this swarming in my head, I watched the videos on this post this morning. And it has me thinking about how to communicate what this world is about.

It reminded me of some messages I heard Tim Keller give about 2 years ago about sharing about Jesus in New York with people who longed to change the world. Then I saw that he was quoted on the blog, so it shouldn't be that surprising. In his article, he talked about the doctrinal focus of the Gospel, the personal transformation focus of the Gospel and the social impact of the Gospel. How they were all biblical. Here's what he said:

If, for example, you stressed the social perspective to the exclusion of others, you might call loudly for social justice, but your ministry will not convert people and give them the changed lives they need to persevere in humbly serving the needs of the poor. If you stress the doctrinal perspective to the exclusion of the experiential and social, you might have a ministry that is doctrinally accurate but it will not produce changed lives, so why should anyone believe your doctrine? If you over-stress the personal perspective, you might ‘psychologize’ the gospel so that it is presented as strictly a way for an individual to overcome his or her guilt and unhappiness. But it will not get the person out of him or herself—which is what you need most to be happy. We were built by God for service. All three perspectives are necessary.

Well, I long for people to hear about this and hear it well. I fully believe that God has called us to all three of these perspectives, but I see myself sharing just one of them when I talk with people... It's given me stuff to chew on.

Classmates

2008-09-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to a coffee date in St. Johns today, I was reflecting on my classes this term. I have some great classes and am pretty excited about them. Lots of theology, a little Hebrew and a step out into pastoral counseling.

Often in my classes, the men outnumber the women, but in the larger classes many of the lovely counseling ladies join us which evens it out. Anyway, in three out of my five classes this term I am the only woman student, and in two of those I believe I'm the only single person. These are not the first classes like that, but it has changed the dynamics and the framework of discussion some. And it has caused me to think more about the task before these male classmates of mine. Many of them are pastors or are in similar roles. The rest want to be pastors or want to teach. It is a heavy responsibility that lays before them. The class discussion will turn to the preaching of a passage or the care of their congregation, and I am reminded of their charge. So I pray for them.

When we talk about the providence of God and how one could explain God's role to a hurting woman who has been left by her husband, I look at the pastors sitting next to me and pray for wisdom and consistency with the scriptures. When we are in pastoral counseling class and talking about the way people come first to their pastor when in crisis and giving examples of the tortuous situations that may be presented, I don't envy them. I pray for integrity and strength and dependence on the Holy Spirit. When we are cite reading Hebrew and I'm awed and intimidated at their knowledge, I expect some of them to be the next big scholars, and I pray for a blessing of understanding and skill at educating the next generation.
I pray for their wives and children. I pray for balance in their lives, devotion to their Lord, and courage as they lead congregations of people and lead those who will lead congregations.

I'm grateful to be in these classes and learn a lot from my classmates. They impress me and encourage me constantly. And I am convinced God will use them in great ways in the future.

Missionary Quotes

2008-05-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

Quotes that make my stomach ache-- in the good way

From Bernie May, a pilot for Wycliffe, when on Christmas he was stuck in the jungle alone because of the rain. He was thinking that he was in the wrong place. His family was celebrating without him. He then heard from the Lord.
"But as I lay there in my hammock, desperately homesick, I felt I heard God say: 'My son, this is what Christmas is all about. Jesus left heaven and on Christmas morning He woke up in the 'wrong place'-- a stable in Bethlehem. Christmas means leaving home, not going home. My only begotten Son did not come home for Christmas-- He left his home to be with you.'"

Carl Becker, missionary doctor to the Congo in the 20th century. An African medical trainee said of him: "May missionaries had preached Jesus Christ to me, but in the doctor I have seen Jesus Christ."

Eliza Davis George, a missionary to Liberia in the 20th century who dealt with discrimination and confrontation. "I came here to work for the salvation of the souls of these natives, and nothing will deter me from my course."

Things to see in Bonaire

2008-05-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Here's my little write up on our vacation. In case you ever make it to this random beautiful island. It's not nearly as populated as the others near it. I have heard that there are only 14,000 people on this deserty, cactus strewn island, compared to the 103,000 that live on the nearby Aruba. The tourists I have seen are mainly Dutch, but there are a few Americans as well. So if you ever stop by, you need to:

1. Go night swimming. If you know me, you might already know that I'm a big fan of night swimming anyway. It reminds me of one of my last nights in Rijeka. Warm water, sunsets, hanging with great people. Here's my family and I on one such swim.

2. See the Donkey Sanctuary of Bonaire. I know this sounds silly and perhaps a little boring, but I have never been so popular in all my life. Four hundred donkeys have been put on a reserve, since they have been stopping traffic and eating things they shouldn't on the small island. These guys are so hungry for food and attention. At first you can tell that I was a little overwhelmed (they were going for the food!), but by the end of our little drive through their desert pasture, we were all buddies.

3. Praise God for Trans World Radio. This ministry on Bonaire broadcasts the Good News of Jesus to huge parts of South America in multiple languages . I believe TWR was founded in 1954 and is all over the world today with their radio ministries. Bonaire is their largest transmitter in the Americas, with an entire staff that live here to serve. I heard that before there was a generator on the island, TWR brought in their own to power the broadcasts. Then, they were the ones to power the hospital. For a long time whenever there were power problems, TWR picked up the slack to help the necessary buildings on the island. I pray that they would continue to be a light for Christ here and on the entire continent.

4. Go landsailing. You get a three wheeled cart with something that looks like a windsurfing sail. Then you fly around the track and try to keep all the wheels on the ground in the jibe turns! I tried to beat my father, but even though I weigh quite a bit less and had the same size sail, he has years of sailing experience on me. The old man still won. Maybe after I work on my sailing... I think my grandfather was the oldest person ever to do the sport. He and my father have spent countless hours sailing. Here's a photo of him at 80 years old flying around the track.

Most people come to this island to scuba dive or kite board. We haven't gotten to those yet but have enjoyed ourselves none the less. This place has more to offer than I was expecting.

Customary Health Blog

2008-04-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

This is the customary "health update" blog for those who have been wondering how I am doing.

It is a beautiful thing to live in Oregon. Here is a photo of our rental house in Portland. The reality of the last nine months of being back is that I have felt... well, normal. Ha ha, now I know a few of you are quick to disagree here. I'm not talking normal emotionally, personality-wise, or anything along those lines. I mean physically.

I have to admit it is a little confusing after living in Croatia. I'm used to having to explain to those who become close to me about my health condition. But now it is not always necessary. My symptoms are subtle enough and the strong ones infrequent enough that I can hide them or make an excuse to leave. Nothing has been sudden. Nothing has been extreme. (Ok, except for on a few occasions, but nothing like in Rijeka.) It's shocking to me. I should be and am very grateful. While I still want to be vulnerable and share with people, the entire necessity of it changes the way I live and interact with people.

It makes me a little embarassed that I have made as big of a deal out of it as I have, since it hasn't acted up here. And I must admit that it makes me realize what I miss when I'm not in Oregon. This is what it is like to not deal with it... Selfishly, it makes me not want to travel. It doesn't make me hesitate to move overseas again as the LORD calls. I still get butterflies inside in joy and excitement when I think about that. But it does give me a deep dread for (and almost anger towards) unecessary traveling, being on buses, airplanes, or hotels, and the issues those things bring.

So, back to the update:

Overall, my health has been amazing.

My roommates have been loving and conforming to my needs.

My professors have adjusted.

My church hasn't made me that sick, so I have been able to enjoy it. That is a tremendous blessing. I don't know when I have been able to not have serious reactions after church. Praise God!

My car is safe so I can travel without symptoms. Amazing.

Portland is full of safe food for me!

People don't scent TP and own a lot of air fresheners, and there are tons of hippies on the east side. Generally that means less reactions! Yay!

I haven't had to exercise and aggravate my body much.

It has been good. I should be more grateful. I don't understand everything that is going on in my body and why it has calmed down so much. But perhaps I don't need to know. For now, I am grateful and feeling good. Or that is what I'm preaching to myself right now anyway.

Real Reasons

2008-04-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

Why am I in seminary?

Real Reasons:
Because I love it.
Because I want to know more, a lot more.
Because for some unknown reason, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be.

Reasons that I tell people when they ask:
Because I want to be able to teach better.
Because I think women should be theologically educated too.
Because I believe in training.
Because it will help me in the long run.
Because I am a nerd.

I'm not sure how valid any of these reasons are. Some of the ones in list two are just facades. This topic of blogging "why am I in seminary" has been on my to do list for a long time. The sad thing is I still don't have a complete answer. Sometimes life is just following and figuring it out later on, I guess.

Queen's Day

2008-04-30T17:27:00.001-07:00

So I'm on vacation with my family on Bonaire, and today was Queen's Day in all Dutch colonies and Holland, their largest holiday. All the locals drove to the old town in the center of the island. The tourists joined them to watch the festivities. I think eighty percent of the island packed into those couple blocks for the party. I loved the music and watching the people. The culture clashes were extreme. A cruise boat had docked that morning with thousands of Americans. Many Dutchman had flown to the island for their 5 day holiday, and the papamiento population ran the town. The locals were lively greeting, dancing and talking. They were dressed in bright colors with matching jewelry that accented their outfits. The Europeans were moving quieter and didn't dress to stand out as the island folk did. The Americans were running around confidently trying to participate. They were loud and a little oblivious to people walking around them. The body language of each group was intensely distinct.

Ok, so these are a lot of stereotypes, but it was really interesting to watch. It was strange for me to be in a culture where I had no real familiarity with the cultural body language or the verbal language. I'm very used to knowing what is going on around me, even if I am not necessarily fluent in the native language. Papamiento is a mixture of Spanish, Dutch, English, and French with native and African influences. I could catch some Spanish words but could in no way communicate. Dutch is as foreign as possible. But more alien than that were the customs of personal interaction. What is normal? How do you thank and greet people? How does all this dancing work? The vibe from many of the interactions felt so different from Venezuela, even though it is only 30 miles away.

It was a good reminder for me that I am not "an expert in this culture" as an often quoted friend once said. My heart for this island is growing, though. I still don't think I would want to live here, but I can see how someone would love the people and pour out his life so that they hear about the Way and the Life. But grasping the culture would help first...

Airports at Night

2008-04-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in an almost empty Houston airport late at night. It is good to sit alone and watch people and process. This term has gone by so fast. How did I get here? All of a sudden I'm in Texas. The last few months have been packed. Studying. Reading. Cramming. And trying to grasp what all of this means applied to real life in a body of people who have been changed by Christ. What does all of this mean in the reality of the church? I still don't know.

So busy. I have told many people that I will never take that many classes again. We will see if I keep that. I hope so. I want to be with people more. I want to be able to see how everything truly applies. This summer will be different. I just have to pass a Greek final and survive May. Then it will be different...

I love observing people and interactions. Though there are few people here, I am still surrounded by a multitude of languages. Spanish, Japanese, Korean, something Slavic. People watch me since it is strange that I'm sitting alone. The announcements over the loud speaker move my mind from place to place around the world. First a flight coming from Liberia, then one going to Jordan, then one to London. My heart prays for those places. I wonder if someone who is watching me will sit down. I wonder if I will get to talk to one of these people about my Hope in life. I love talking to strangers.

My family is probably wondering what happened to me. They are sitting somewhere in a plush "frequent flyer" club, and I should probably leave this pensive place and join them. I hope to have more time to think in the next week. Perhaps I can attack that list of blog post subjects I have accumulated over the months.

What are you doing next year?

2008-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

Living overseas, meeting people, loving them, building a community and talking about hope in Jesus Christ: It's a year of your life that will change you. You will never be the same.

Whether you want to do ministry full time or not, whether you want to live overseas long term or not, doing this for one year will teach you things about yourself and grow you in your walk with Christ in ways you never would have imagined. It will prepare you to work on teams, to face rough challenges, to be married (think tight living community), to share your faith in whatever place He leads you, to rely on Jesus in the highs and the lows, to rejoice in what God does, to understand why you think a certain way yet others think so differently. This can be godly preparation for ministry in a church, graduate school, a career, a family.

I know myself so much better. I understand people immeasurably better. I see the world differently. I trust Christ and have seen Him walk me through what I never would have dreamed up. I have memories of sweet joy, experiences that I say have made my life. I've watched God move, teach me and provide beautiful close relationships.

We get to be rescued and redeemed in God's great plan because of Jesus Christ. That moves us and draws us into community with His people. It then sends us out. The movement doesn't end with us. The revolution spreads. I'm in awe that God would love us enough to involve us in that spread of the revolution. How beautiful. I challenge you to pray about what you will do next year. Perhaps it means taking a year off school. Putting off a job or a relationship. It might take sacrifice, but if God leads you there, it is worth it. Pray about going overseas for a year on stint. Join the adventure.

Significantly fewer people have applied to go on stint this year than last year and years before. Pray about going. Go to applyforstint.com. Call me. Message me. Just talk with one of my friends who run the partnerships. The deadline is March 1st. I know it's soon. Call me to talk about it anyway; we'll talk.

I'm throwing this out there. If nothing else, please pray that the Lord of the harvest will send out His laborers. I'm also hoping you'll read this and pass on the word and the prayer request. My heart is deeply tied to this. I pray that people will hear Him and go and joy will be their reward!

Celebrating Valentine

2008-02-14T17:28:00.001-08:00

Valentines Day is special for many. Love is talked about. Gifts are given. Friends are greeted.

But beyond all of this I think of Saint Valentine who was supposed a martyr in Rome in the year 270 AD. He refused to deny his Savior under Emperor Claudius. He would die before he turned away from the Lover of his soul. This encourages me and is something to celebrate. A man who chose Christ.

A friend of mine write a Valentines Day devotional a couple of years ago that I still like. Read it.

That ache in my stomach

2008-01-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

There are days where I long for something so much that my stomach hurts. These are specific days that don't come frequently, but I can identify them as I think back over the years. One warm day in a Rijekan fall, a few days in the spring last year and one day last week.

It's not because things are bad that day or because I'm lonely necessarily. It's usually that I enjoy the people around me and know that I have a great life, but I want more. I long for closeness. I wait to be known and to know people in a way that doesn't really seem to be possible. I desire for truth to be known by everyone and then for us together to respond in joy. I long for a nearness to God in a way that humbles me and encourages me.

These feelings are not my favorite to have. They feel overwhelming at times. But in another way, I feel that I'm supposed to feel that way, and God comforts me in a way that doesn't remove the feelings but confirms them. I'm supposed to want more. I tell myself that I'm longing for heaven... and someday the longings will be fulfilled.

2008-01-13T19:09:00.000-08:00

"This life therefore, is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it; the process is not yet finished but it is going on. This is not the end but it is the road; all does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified."
Martin Luther

"Grace, we must learn, is opposed to earning, not to effort."
Dallas Willard

Sometimes I Hate Safety

2008-01-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

I hate having to think about safety. I want to be able to love without worrying. I want to take risks on people without knowing that I would be chided from those who love me for not being "safe." I want to welcome and assist those who appear in need, even if they don't look like me. I want love with reckless abandon.

But, even in this, I try to think before I act. Yet, I don't want to hesitate when the Holy Spirit is whispering for me to act. I despise trying to find the balance.

Thursday night I was driving home from a friend's house. I was in SE, and it was about 11pm. There was a man pushing his car down the center lane of the road. He was trying to steer and push at the same time. It was really cold outside. He looked like he was in his fifties and tired. Man, I wanted to stop and help. I slowed my car and reached for my phone. It had slid under the passenger seat, so I couldn't grab it. Even if I could get to my phone, I didn't know who I would call. I figured I should call a guy friend, so my roommates didn't kill me when I arrived home and told them the story. The guy friend who lived right near there was out of town. So I straightened, saddened, and drove home.

Earlier that same day, someone had knocked on the door of our house. A young man, probably twenty, stood dripping wet and asked if we had any bottles or cans to donate. It was nasty weather outside, and he was in only a sweatshirt and jeans, nothing to protect from the wet. I ran to look for bottles while he stood at the door but couldn't find any. I returned to the door, wanting to give him something but not knowing what. I apologized, and he turned and left. Inside I wanted to invite him in for tea, hot chocolate, cookies, something! I wanted to hear his story and help. But I had hesitated and lost the opportunity. One of my roommates has asked me not to invite strangers into our house because we often have our laptops laying around... I kinda hate how smart that sounds.

When I turned sixteen and could drive, I remember being so excited that I could finally pick up hitch-hikers. I had been waiting to meet these random people on the side of the road. I thought I could love them and talk about Jesus. One day soon after getting my licence, I was spouting my enthusiasm for such an activity, and my father quickly forbade it. I argued with him for an hour. Finally he told me that after I married a marine who could protect me, then I was allowed to pick up whoever I wanted. I wonder if he knows that I interpreted that as I was allowed as long as there were strong men around...

Over the years, I know the Lord has protected me as I have done things that haven't been the safest or wisest, getting into strangers' cars, traveling alone through dangerous places, taking people into my house. I know that I shouldn't test His grace with me, but how I long for the church together to take risks on people, knowing that Christ is powerful and His work is worth risks.

Trouble, Treasures, and Trusting

2008-01-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

Today I lost what I have called my most prized possession.

Alexis and I have often joked for years about what we would grab if our house caught fire, and we had a second to take one thing on our way out of the flames. We always answer the same way: we would save what we refer to as "our children." It's the same thing that I sleep with under my bed each night, just in case someone breaks into my house. At least they can't steal it without me putting up a fight. This one thing has been around the world with me. I've put countless hours into it. It represents so much of my work, my thoughts, my preparation, my relationships. Who would have thought a laptop full of files would mean so much?

While it might sound minor, losing all the data on my computer today was utterly devastating. Six years of work. Years of Bible studies written, prayer exercises for disciples, letters, my thesis, my prayers beginning in college, processing and journal entries, my emails, my strategy work, my supporter information, my music... I had my intense cry session and then began to process what this meant.

It's funny what we treasure and trust in. I had just been talking to a friend yesterday about treasuring Christ above everything, and now I feel convicted. I had counseled others to trust Him to get them through and am now realizing that my trust had been in... in computer files in a manner of speaking.

Being someone who loves information and organization, I kept all the work I had done over the years. I enjoyed having resources and being able to provide information. I loved being able to pull out Bible exercises from years ago to use again with a small group I was leading. Being someone with a health condition that increases memory loss, my records of prayers, financial activities, and other processes had been precious. I liked the ability to contact people who I hadn't seen in years with all the contact info I had.

Control. I really like having control. I like being able to fix my own problems and help fix other's problems. You know, having an issue, knowing an old friend can help me out, being able to find the email or phone number and have the issue fixed. So I think the biggest thing I'm mourning is that loss of control, control of my resources that I feel like I have earned.

Oh, how the Lord works for my sanctification, even in this. These verses have been flowing through my head today as I have been angry and overwhelmed. (They actually came to mind all jumbled together today.)

Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
Psalms 20:7 "Some boast in chariots and some in horses, but we will boast in the name of the Lord our God."
Jeremiah 9:23-24 " Thus says the Lord: 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows the Lord who practises steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."

It's good for me to realize that I must trust the Lord to provide the knowledge that is no longer on my laptop for teaching. He must prompt others to contact me as I have lost all my contact info. He must provide time to write things that need to be written again. He is my greatest treasure, not some group of files that make me feel accomplished. He is the one that is in control, even when I pretend I am.

And next time, I'll back my files up on more than one external hard drive before I hot dip my computer.

I get to learn Hebrew

2007-12-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

It really is the coolest thing in the world that I get to learn this and read the Old Testament in the language it was written in. I feel so blessed.

This morning I got try to read a long in the Hebrew as my pastor talked about promise of Christ in Genesis 3. He mentioned characteristics of the Hebrew, and I tried to keep up with him. My vocabulary isn't good enough... yet!

It just makes me happy.

Life and Death

2007-12-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a book by Gary Thomas called Seeking the Face of God for one of my classes. I have to admit that the title made me not read it until the end, because it sounded so generic. But it has been a good book that has rocked me many times. It has been really good for me.

One of the multiple chapters that has made me think has been the one on death. The saints of old wrote a lot about death. I remember when I first read Thomas A Kempis I kept thinking he was a little obcessed with death. But it's not just him. A bunch of the others talked about death! But now as I read Thomas, they had good points in why we should too. We should be thinking about our lives in light of death. These days we really don't like to talk about that kind of thing, but shouldn't our priorities be set by the idea that we will die? We all die. Death should be encouraging for those of us whose trust is in Christ. Death will be joy and Christ. If I should die tomorrow, what would I have liked to do or say today? I want to live thinking that way and honoring God more because I am mortal.

I wrote some things down that I believe to be the most important in life tonight. I hope that those are what are remembered after I die and what I remember while I live.

Life and death are on my mind tonight. Lord, use them for your purposes.

Fell off the Soapbox

2007-11-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

So it's the day after the soapbox and it's a little hard to articulate it now. Yesterday 5 different groups of people prompted me and consequently, heard my little soapbox. I think part of the passion and emotion builds up, longing for it to be expressed. Then when it is finally released (like yesterday to 5 groups of people), some closure comes and ideas about how to really change the world now become more realistic.

Here's a piece of a paper that I wrote today that expresses a bit of it. It's a paper on the application for Colossians 2:6-15, so if it feels a little random, that might be why. Well, that and this is bits and pieces of the unedited version.

"God made alive those who were dead by forgiving their sins through the cross." Each of us who have sat in a Bible teaching church for awhile probably hear this and think of it as “the basics.” Many have heard it since they were a child and know that it is part of what they would share in a “witnessing time,” but this truth of being forgiven because of the cross collides with the reality of life. It is overwhelmingly humbling and life changing for every day life. All of our goals, tasks, and agendas fade against the truth that we were made alive from death. It should have the greatest effect our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, attitudes and actions. Stealing from verse 6, we should be utterly grateful, and we should delight in the freedom we have received. Our thoughts should ponder it and return to Christ, as Paul is here warning the Colossians to center their theology on Him. Our behaviors should change to reflect what we have received, being rooted so that this is our foundation. Our actions should joyfully make known what has happened to us as we protect the truth (verse 8). The truth that we have been made alive because of the cross instructs me and warns me to keep that truth primary... I want to apply this to my life by not taking for granted the fact that I was made alive from death. I haven’t graduated from that truth. It should still be humbling me and bringing me to thanksgiving, even though it will have been 15 years ago next month that I took action in response to what happened on the cross.

One of the soapboxes was about if we were living like the Gospel really mattered. Does it affect us emotionally each day? Does it make us want to tell others and then actually take action so we do that? Or do we care so much about being popular culturally or about being "theologically academic" that we sit in our own studies being proud of our status or knowledge? Do we love our God and the people around us so that we live radically?

Transitioning to soapbox 2: What about being comfortable? We like being comfortable. We even teach that we need to be safe and healthy as we serve God. What happened to sacrifice? Why do so many people want to work in Portland and in the churches or counseling offices here even when the market is flooded but haven't considered going to war torn areas where counselors and church workers are desperately needed? It's uncomfortable. No, I'm not bashing many of you wonderful people who love this city and want to pour yourself out for it. We should be loving this city as we are here. We should love it and do all that we can to support it and change it for God's glory. But what about the rest of the world? It too is waiting.

Ok, I'm done. I'm probably preaching at the choir.

Soapboxes

2007-11-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

Today was a soapbox day. You know, when your heart feels like it is going to explode because of what is being laid on it. If someone so much as asks you "How's your day going?" you start on a sermon as you pour out your heart. Or someone mentions the purpose of life and joy and your eyes fill with tears. Yep, that was today.

I'll preach it in a little while after I get some of this homework done.

Still Not Normal

2007-11-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

As soon as I think I'm getting close to the "fully adjusted" mark, that I'm one more person that can interact and pursue goals like an average rational Portlander, I realize that I'm no where near it. I'm still far from normal.

Subconsciously I still plan and strategize everything. I watch people constantly and analyze the best way to connect or at least introduce myself. I'm going to blame it on the fact that it has been my occupation to network and build relationships for the last two years, but it probably has to do with the fact that I like to be in control. It's annoying to have this constantly going on in my head. I seriously need an "off" switch for it. I've been praying for that.

Another clue to my maladjusted state was the fact I told my parents yesterday that I gave up on grocery stores. I hadn't really thought about it, but being my verbal processor self, it just came out. Well, and it's true. I have more or less decided that food isn't worth grocery stores and have been living off the dinners provided at school and the eclectic supply foodstuffs that mom sent with me when I moved up here months ago. There are too many people in grocery stores. It's crowded. And people can be aggressive as they run around shopping, like I might take the last jar of Organic Pesto sauce from them or something... That's one deterrent, but the other is that I'm finding that grocery stores tox me out more than anything else I've encountered in Portland. Who would have thought? I really turn into the Wicked Witch of the West as soon as I step into Freddies, Safeway or wherever. I pity the roommate who comes shopping with me because within minutes they are stuck in a large store with the grumpiest person alive who is hurting and probably lost most of her directional and decision making abilities. I've forgotten what I came for, can't find the isle for anything and wander aimlessly, and am emotionally upset about the fact that I don't know if we need milk. It's a mess. It's not worth it. I really don't need to eat that much food and can apparently live on crackers, zucchini and cheese.

I've noticed that I have also given up on email. If you have emailed me in the last couple months, I haven't responded. I'm sorry. I do check my email daily, and I want to respond. But, man, I find that I just don't have the... the "umph" to do it. It's like my emotional energy is sapped, and I still haven't gotten it back. I feel like I'm juggling and playing catch up constantly, but really I don't have that much on my plate. I really want my emotional energy back!

Well, I bill all this out to the "transition" or "culture shock," but I'm pretty tired of those excuses right now. I don't have anything else to blame it on. Can I ask for "Normal" for Christmas?

Seventeen Hours in Los Angeles

2007-10-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was a whirlwind. Saturday morning I packed and drove to the airport to meet up with my father and grandmother. We hopped a plane with my aunt, uncle, and cousins and quickly arrived at LAX. (Oh and there was some sort of famous actor on our plane that my Aunt recognized. I think he was in Sweet Home Alabama. This added to the excitement.) Once in LA, we took care of the necessities: rental car, hotel, fast food lunch. Then I got to have around 45 minutes with my dear Miss Laura. I hadn't seen her in years, and it was so fun to catch up NOT on the phone!

We talked about seminaries, churches, Jesus, and what on earth we are doing with our lives. It was great.

I had ten minutes to change before we headed into LA traffic and north to the wedding site where my cousin Jason was waiting as the nervous groom.

We finally arrived and found the correct wedding. Everything was beautiful. I felt special as we got to sit in the front row as the "family of the groom." While we waited for it to begin, Dad talked with other family up north and arranged to have his phone on so they could hear the service. Doesn't Grandma look absolutely fabulous?

Grandma was the "mother of the groom" for the day since my aunt couldn't make it. We told Jason he had to dance with her for the mother-groom dance. He says he doesn't dance, but with a little coaxing he pulled it off wonderfully. Grandma was on cloud nine.

Carrie was a beautiful bride. Their love was plain to see. I'm praying for you guys! I'm so happy for you!

After a late night of awkward-but-fun wedding dancing, the trio (Grandma, Dad and I) slipped back to our hotel only to leave a little after 5am to catch our plane home. From the airport, straight to church, from church to lunch with my Hebrew class... It was a crazy weekend.

What am I doing here?

2007-10-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

I really do like what I'm doing. I still feel like the Lord has let me live a dream life. I'm blown away at His blessings in my life. I had a great childhood with my family, a great high school experience. Then I got to study at OSU great nerdy stuff like business and development with sweet friends. He taught me so much about Himself there. Next I got to live in Croatia and talk to people about the most important thing in my life. It doesn't get any better than that. Now I get to study full time what I used to only get to read about on the weekends. I've been dreaming about studying Greek and Hebrew since high school. I love my school. I want to be like my professors. My roommates are great companions. I'm not too far from family. Life is good.

Ok, so now all that said, what am I doing here? I feel like I knew my role and my focus when I was in college and then in Croatia. In Rijeka, everyday I got to focus on loving my team, meeting with and loving the Croatians around me, talking about life truths like pain, error, grace and joy, teaching the Bible, and planning details. It was relatively basic: Love, Meet, Talk, Teach and Plan. There was rhythm. Yes, it was stinking hard at times, but at least I knew what I was supposed to be doing.

In Portland, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I get up and study. Go to class. Study. Eat. Sleep. Talk to roommates. Study. But what am I really supposed to be doing? Studying? I know... Love God with everything and love others. Right. That's the easy answer, but I mean really, that does that look like here? Where's the rhythm? Who do I get to talk to about Jesus? Man, I need a church.

I keep reading about things that are happening around the world. Needs. Hardship. Movements of God. Strategy. Joy. Work. I want to be there... not here.

This probably sounds very simple and silly. But these are the thoughts going through my head, and really they feel overwhelming at times. Overwhelmed is a common state of being these days. Not in a horrible way, but just a "I think I'm going through some huge transition" type of way.

I hope this stage doesn't last too long. Maybe if I work harder, I can make it go faster. (That's a joke for those of you who know me well. I know. I know. I can't "fix" this by working harder.)

I praise You, Lord, that You never leave me.

A Reminder of the Most Important Kind

2007-09-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think we need to be reminded. Today I was reminded, and I'm so grateful.

Recently I have heard people say things like:
"I don't like that church. They don't recycle as much as I want them to."
"The way they help the poor isn't as good as our way. They need to change."
"We are very *insert church buzz-word*. Other places aren't really like us. We really get involved in the neighborhood."
"We build community, and you don't really build into community."
"We don't like it when that church forces their beliefs on others."
"This church serves more than other people do."

I realize that these are probably true observations, but it felt like a competition of good works. I was just angry and tired of hearing about churches.

But today I was reminded of what life is all about. That my life is about giving glory to God and enjoying Him. What freedom and joy that brings! So often I revert to trying to make myself happy. Recently I have been feeling empty and eager to find happy things. Yet, God used a kind man to remind me, and today I feel overwhelmed with joy because of who God is. That is what I want to talk about with people. I want to talk about how beautiful God's love is and how His work on the cross has ransomed me from death. His rescue fills my life with meaning. He is infinitely worthy and satisfying.

So, please talk to me about that when we talk about church. Go ahead: Let's teach the people to recycle. Let's love everyone with reckless abandon and give sacrificially to help others because of what Christ has done. Build community because we are all saved together. Let's tell other people in love about it all. Forget the competition and celebrate grace.
But really, in the center is Jesus Christ who saves. Let's talk about Him.

A New Kind of Nerdiness

2007-09-26T22:37:00.000-07:00

A phone conversation from one roommate to another.

Roommate 1: Oh hey. Quick question for you. So I'm walking to school to turn in my hermeneutics paper, and I realized that I wrote that Colosse was east of Ephesus. All of a sudden that doesn't feel right. Do you remember which way it is?

Roommate 2: Hmmm... I think that's right. Hang on a second.
Roommate 2 confers with two other seminary students who happen to be in the car.

Roommate 2: Yep, Colosse is east of Ephesus; the road connects the valley with Laodicea and Colosse with the coast. Yeah, Ephesus is on the coast, so it has to be west.

Roommate 1: Oh good. Thanks. See you in a few hours.
Roommate 2: Bye!

Full of Blessings

2007-09-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

On the lighter side, I have felt wonderfully blessed this week. I was a little overwhelmed with all the transitions, but so many people have made me feel at home.

On Thursday morning at 6am I officially moved to Portland. That was nice. While I didn't have a house to live in, these amazing people at The Worldview Center took in my roommate and I. I think they had pity on the poor, homeless ex-missionaries. :) But seriously, they have been family and a home away from home. Our apartment is amazing and the fellowship so sweet.

Later Thursday morning, I arrived at Western Seminary for my orientation. I felt like the nervous freshman again... a tad under dressed until the other students showed. Through the day I met some great new friends and saw some old ones. I felt at home and enjoyed the confirmation that this was the place I wanted to be. A passion for God's Word and a love for our relationship with Him flowed out of every talk that was given. I can't wait to start studying! I just want to take everything and sadly can't with my program. But I do get Hebrew and hermeneutics this term, so that's great.

I can't believe that God is letting me study, called me to study! It's a dream.

Now all we need is our housing to come through... Hopefully we will have a real house in the next week or so.

Broken Hearts and Confusion

2007-09-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

When I think about the words "culture shock," I usually think about things Americans do that Croatians don't do, like greeting strangers on the street. I still haven't gotten used to someone saying hi to me or smiling at me. But, I don't think this has been the hard part of culture shock. There haven't been any tears shed for Rijekan culture since I've been back. The depth of culture shock, I believe, has been coming back to American Christianity.

Don't get me wrong; I'm very grateful to be back and see so many people at my church and other believing friends. It's been refreshing and exciting. And this really isn't pointed at my sweet church, Corvallis Evangelical, but rather at thoughts and interactions I've had that have knocked me to the ground emotionally.

I feel like I expected to return to a welcoming and understanding environment. A place where Christian people could relate to my passions and joy. I was excited to rejoice with new and old friends over what God has done in the last 2 years in the US and in Croatia. For some reason I thought there would be some "instant bond" when I met a believer back here... maybe that's because that is how I have felt when I met them overseas.

But instead, I feel as though I don't speak the same language as Christians here. I say the wrong thing, offend people and am definitely out of vogue in my thinking. This is probably not true, but I get the allusion that everything has changed and I got left in the fuddy-duddy section, uneducated and confused.

I use words like "evangelism" and "lost" and "come to know Jesus," and some have looked at me like I used a four letter word. I guess those words have bad connotations now? I'm not talking about door-knocking... I just want my friends to love Jesus, and I want us to be talking about Him as we live life with those who don't know Him. "Don't worry. I'm talking about in relationships." That didn't seem to make it any better. The word "missions" must have gone out of trend too...

They talk about things like "engaging culture" and being tolerant of others views even if they come to faith in God. "Spirituality" seems to mean something different than when I left, or maybe it's just that I'm in a new city and hearing it in different circumstances. I have to change the way I talk about Christ and the church. All of a sudden what I assumed to be commonly held beliefs among believers about the character of God aren't necessarily responded to with a hearty and joyful "Amen."

So those tears I expected to come with culture shock came after these conversations. It feels like what I have lived for, worked towards and rejoiced in for the last 2 years isn't commonly held as valuable. It's not that I want praise for what we have been doing. But will I find people who will continue with me now? What is this I hear? People don't need Jesus? His work isn't the most amazing and valuable thing in all of history? We don't need to talk about Him with everyone we can? Truth and sin and grace are not words I should use? I feel ashamed in some ways, but only for a while. I feel confused. These are people I respect and care for. I feel like an outsider and a stranger.

Well, those sound like normal symptoms of culture shock. This is just not what I expected to be mourning.

Augustine Confessions Quotes

2007-09-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

"This is my holy joy, which is your mercy you have given me, heedful of my poverty."

"You called me; you cried aloud to me; you broke my barrier of deafness. You shone upon me; your radiance enveloped me; you put my blindness to flight. You shed your fragrance about me; I drew breath and now I gasp for your sweet odour. I tasted you, and now I hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am inflamed with love of your peace."

"There can be no hope for me except in your great mercy. Give me the grace to do as you command and command me to do what you will!"

"But we, O Lord, are your little flock. Keep us as your own. Spread your wings and let us shelter beneath them. Let us glory in you alone. If we are loved or feared by others, let it be for your sake..."

" My love of you, O Lord, is not some vague feeling: it is positive and certain. Your word struck into my heart and from that moment I loved you. Besides this, all about me, heaven and earth and all that they contain proclaim that I should love you, and their message never ceases to sound in the ears of all mankind, so that there is no excuse for any not to love you. But, more than all this, you will show pity on those whom you pity; you will show mercy where you are merciful; for if it were not for your mercy, heaven and earth would cry your praises to deaf ears."

Trying to Destress

2007-08-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with things to do. My "to do" list, which is really my brain on paper, is getting out of control. I finally did my taxes today, so that helped the stress levels. (I know. It's horrible. Who does taxes in August?!)

Anyway between some bad health and the stress, we decided to forget it all yesterday, and my mom and I went to the coast. Isn't she cute? I'm so flattered that as I've come home multiple people have told me that I look like her.

Time with Mom, seeing the much-missed Pacific ocean, and a little bit of shopping= wonderful destress day!

Home with the Fam

2007-08-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Some semi-normal happenings out with the extended family:

Cousin Josh and I trying to look sophisticated... Well, I was anyway. He was trying to impersonate his dad. (I love you, Uncle Bear!)

Luke was giving me a little ride. You would think that we are just sweet, kind cousins, but just moments before this we were chucking ripe plums at each other's heads, feet, and clothes while we "helped" Aunt Karen pick them from the tree.

Here I am getting ready for my ride! My ride on what, you ask? Well, what does Taylor just love to ride? That's right MOTORCYCLES!

And I love motorcycles so much that I would even go for a ride with this hoodlum.

We had a freaky chaser on a ride-on lawn mower. Luckily the Harley out powered it.

Actually, it was quite amazing. Marc took me for a ride during sunset towards Newport on highway 20. We watched for elk and flew around the turns on the beautiful Harley. I wish I had photos to take it in, but I was too busy hanging on and looking around.

It's good to be home and see you, family!

My body rebelled

2007-08-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

So that's it. I've been home for a week and a half, and it's been great. I've been pretty busy filling out forms from grad school and getting prepared to move to Portland. I haven't had much sleep, but my health has been amazing! Other than a little mini crash after church over a week ago, there have been no bumps. Until Sunday that is... And it carried to yesterday.

Yesterday my body threw a full on fit. It was one of those "everything is spinning so much I can't walk" type of days. Don't worry; I didn't drive. I felt so braindead that all I wanted to do was watch TV. Normally, I'm not a fan of TV, especially the sleazy stuff that I kept finding on. I tried to read and write, but it didn't work very well.

So I canceled almost everything and tried to be semi-productive from home... and tried to rest some. My family reminded me that I tend to do this after pushing hard through adrenaline for a few weeks or months. I crash and then recover. This just felt like a really hard crash. I feel a little better this morning, but I think I will be stronger to deal with it today. After all, I have made multiple intercontinental trips in the last 2 months and have been traveling without a safe environment. I guess it was due.

So the real question for this post is this: how do I live in a God-honoring, Christ-centered way when I feel like this? Just make sure I veg out on a less-sleazy TV show? I don't think so. I realize that we can "drink orange juice for the glory of God," but what does that really mean? Especially when I'm a wee bit grumpy and selfish because of the pain. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but my thoughts can wander to things that are less than excellent. What I need is the Word, but it takes more discipline to concentrate on it when I'm like this. And I usually want to read something easier for my brain.

Well, I think that I need to pull myself away from the things that I'm trying to use to make myself feel better and turn to the Lord first. Not that vegging out on TV is always bad when I'm hurting, but that shouldn't be my fix-it or my first response. (It's tempting when I haven't had TV in years.) Turning to people and them alone can't be my solution either. I need discipline to pray, discipline to read and discipline be honest with the Lord, confessing my utter dependence and need for Him. Asking for help but knowing that my need for Him is more than my need for anything else. I want to pull all the attention I have together and focus it on how grateful I am for Him and what He has given me. Much easier said than done! But then being reminded of the Truth my soul needs, my perspective is changed, and I can rest in a new way, waiting for the "episode" to pass.

Psalm 63 echos in my head. I don't often feel that grateful and joyful about the Lord during these nasty health issues, but I want to run to Him anyway. I usually feel like I have no self discipline. But He is always faithful to come. His steadfast love is better than life and in the shadow of His wings I will rest.

John will do anything to get me to leave town...

2007-08-09T22:00:00.001-07:00

Leaving Rijeka was exciting. Read about it here.

Night Swimming

2007-08-06T14:54:00.001-07:00

So I’m back in the US! It’s exciting but a wee bit overwhelming. Anyway, I’m way back up on my posts, so I’m going to write about a few things that have been on my mind for the last few months.

My last post was written on my last “working” night in Rijeka. After that we headed to Zadar for our English workshop and only returned to Rijeka for a day before I flew out. So that night before we left was a wonderful evening. Zoran had told us about a symphony in Opatija playing Handle’s Messiah, but we couldn’t go. I had a date with my friend Tamar, and Alexis and I wanted to go night swimming. There’s something amazing about night swimming in the summer. So with Tamara and her roommate, we headed north to a little village before Opatija. At the pebbly beach, we slipped into the water. The air was warm but the water warmer. We laughed at the perfectness as the crescent of the moon shone a bright yellow and the mountains were outlined in gold from the sunset even though it was as late as 9pm. We swam out to a mini island and climbed up only to jump back in. We began to swim back to shore when we heard music. The symphony being played in Opatija was drifting over the water to us across the bay. Simply beautiful. “Hallelujah” echoed through our minds. The Croatian ladies swam in ahead of us while Alexis and I swapped glances and muttered something like “I think we live in honeymoonland.”

When we arrived on the shore, we read from John 2 and talked about Jesus being the Lord of the Feast, bringing full joy as He pays for His own wedding with His blood. We prayed under the bright stars for the city of Rijeka and headed back to our apartments, smiling and feeling like our evening was surreal. Such is life in Rijeka.

The Last Day

2007-07-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

So today is probably my last day in Rijeka. It feels pretty much like every other day. I leave for our Zadar English Workshop in a few hours. Oh I need to run. Processing much come later... probably not until I get home on August 3rd.

CM 2007

2007-07-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I was allowed to go to CM 2007 in Busan, Korea, and it was amazing. I got to worship God with 18,000 other believers from over 120 different countries. I got to meet so many people, and those of you who know me know that meeting new people is one of my favorite things. Hanging out with my Croatian and Bosnian company was pretty sweet too.

Korea has a story to tell. Just over 50 years ago, less than 5% of the population was Christian. Today people will tell you it is anywhere between 30-60%. I was blown away when Korean political leaders, beauty queens and celebrities welcomed us in the name of Jesus. What is it like to have Christ so penetrated in a culture? At the conference there were over 10,000 Koreans with the 8,000 foreigners, and they were probably some of the kindest and most hospitable people I have met. One guy told us that he began to learn English when he heard about this conference 3 years ago. He said he had been studying for this conversation for 3 years. How crazy is that?

I'm pretty sure I cried each day of the conference, but always for good reasons. People from closed countries shared about the persecution they face by choosing to follow Jesus. Beautiful and miraculous stories of someone coming to know Christ and then reaching his country were told. Around 300 Koreans came to know Christ when the Gospel was shared in their language on the last day. A call for the young people of this generation to reach the ends of the earth with the Gospel of Jesus Christ was repeated each day, and my heart always stirred. A friend from Venezuela who I had met 3 years ago found me and told me how he had grown into a leader in his campus group over those 3 years. When I met him, he hadn't known Christ; now he leads. I cried during each of these.

The most moving thing for me was seeing people from every place you could imagine stand next to each other and talk about how Jesus Christ had transformed their lives. In many different languages they spoke about how He is worthy of all the praise and all the glory. A Nigerian, a Venezuelan, an American, a Bosnian, an Indonesian, an Indian... and changed by the one true God. Our God is not just working in Croatia and Bosnia. He is not just working in Washington and Oregon. He is working all over the world. How often I forget that.

Need a Roommate in Portland?

2007-07-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, I think I'm moving to Portland when I get back. Does anyone know anyone who needs a roommate?

Ok, that's all for now. I really am going to post more blogs soon.

People Who Encourage Me

2007-07-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

These are people whose walk with the Lord brings me joy and encouragement. I love seeing my Croatian brothers and sisters talk about the love of Jesus, and these friends talk about it all the time. You guys will always have a special place in my heart.

Here we have a photo with me, Alexis, Maja, Tomislav and Dario. Tomislav and Dario are fondly called "the priests" in our household. They are both studying in the theological seminary and will be priests in the Catholic church in the next few years when they graduate. While not everyone who is in the theological faculty here walks with Jesus, these two have shown us their sweet hearts for Christ. They talk about sharing their faith with us and get excited with us as we pray for Jesus to be glorified in Rijeka.

Tomislav told me just a few minutes before this photo that he and I were going to have a ninja match in heaven, and I was going to get my butt kicked. We had just been discussing the pros and cons of each teenage mutant ninja turtle, so the conclusion was that in heaven we would train and have our own little tournament representing our respective ninja turtle, as we worship Jesus of course.

Maja has always been synonymous in my mind with "sweet friend." She has been such a joy in my life this year. I have seen her walk through some hard times and choose Christ. Her faith and her learning curve is amazing. Her love for me and for others always encourages. Christ has done this in you, my dear. You are a godly woman.

Next is a photo of Me with Sanjin and Jasmin. They're twins. Can you tell?

The boys' devotion to time with their Savior is convicting. They clearly long for time with Him and take precise measures to get it. I love hearing them talk about sharing their faith and how they want those they know and don't know to follow Christ. While I'm lumping them together here, they are very different, yet share a passion for Jesus Christ. Thanks for being my family, decki. I feel like I gained 2 little brothers who challenge me and spur me on.

Tamara. Oh my friend, I love hanging out with you. Tamara has been one of my refreshments all year long. She seems to get me and thinks along my wave length. Her passion, and often her struggles, mirror mine. She learns with rapid speed about her Savior. She matures in a way that can only be the Spirit of God. When I get to hang out with her, I get to hear her preach to me and to herself about the worth of Christ, the need of people for Him, and our need to give Him the glory and love He deserves.

Next we have Pastor Milan. Milan (in the white striped shirt) is here shaking hands with a leader of the Askalija village in Rijeka. They are a people group that has traveled here, been discriminated against, and have struggled to get by. Milan has been showing them love and care for years now, and we have been privileged to help him.

Pastor Milan is amazing. He is creative, wise and resourceful. If you knew the things he has done to communicate the Gospel to the people of Rijeka, you would laugh, be shocked and cry... Well, I do. He won't rest until the truth of His Lord is proclaimed. People are drawn to this man because of his humble and honest manner. He was the first to welcome us to the city, and I leave knowing that I will miss him. You are changing the world, Pastor.

Next we have our CM 2007 team. Five Rijeka students came with us to the conference and each of them bless me.

Above is Zoran, Josip and Kristian on the plane. Aren't we glad we weren't on the same flight as them? :)

Seriously though, Zoran has been a dear friend over the years here, earning the nickname Zoky. (Ok, i didn't come up with it, but i have adopted it.) He has cared for me in many many ways, saving the day on more than one occasion. He always asks how I'm doing and talks with me about what God is doing in my heart. His honesty about his own heart has blessed me more than he knows.

Josip has become little brother in more ways than one. :) Kiddo is his earned nickname. (I show and receive love through nicknames if you haven't noticed. I think its a family thing.) This boy is a ball full of energy and action. I love how he will learn something and immediately put it into practice. This is more priceless than it first comes across. When I have seen him learn new things about the Lord, he acts on it. When he learns something new about what someone needs, he fulfills the need or asks to help. No hesitation. Thanks for wanting Jesus to be honored, Kiddo. Keep loving Him and striving after that.

Kiki (Kristian) makes me laugh each time I see him. He is very musically talented and serves people in his church through that talent. He has been working for some time to help his church in Rijeka, being involved with almost everything that is going on. Kiki is very welcoming to everyone he meets. His smile draws people to him, and his Savior has so clearly changed his life.

Here we have the gang again in a Korean subway station: Josip, Allison, Zoran, me and Ivana. Al is totally encouraging to me, but this post is about Croatians.

Ivana is always expressing love. She smiles, asks, touches. She seeks people out and desires to know them well. She wants to learn and meet with God in such a way that it is real and her life is consistent. You bless me!

Ines is a rockstar. She is a world changer and has the power of the Spirit working mightily in her. She is mature beyond her age, sacrificing for Christ, trusting Him in faith even when things go wrong, and counseling others with words of truth. Ines, I can't wait to see how God continues to use you. You have made me thank God often for people like you.

Praise God that He has called and will call people from every tribe, nation and tongue. These are just a few from Croatia.

A Glimpse into Student Life: Greek Class

2007-06-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

Recently we have gotten to meet some really cool theology students. I have loved getting to know them as some of them are preparing to be priests and others to be religion teachers in the primary and secondary schools.

One day short Tomislav invited us come and see his college. I was excited to see it. When we entered I saw Natalija who invited me to her biblical Greek class. "Um, yes!" so off we went while Sun and Lex went to coffee with Dario and a new nun friend. As I walked down the hall, one of the guys stopped me in the doorway of the classroom to ask me who I was. When I told him that I was American, he turned his head into the room and introduced me. "She's an American and a protestant," echoed in Croatian into the classroom of Catholic theology students. How on earth do I walk in after that? Well, so much for a quiet entrance. :)

Everyone was super friendly. They introduced themselves and welcomed me warmly. Most of them told Natalija to translate things to me, not knowing that I can understand a lot of Croatian. I tried to respond in English to them, being a little too nervous to try in Croatian. One of our other friends, tall Tomislav, said hi and introduced me to others. We sat in the back corner, and after the prayer, the class began. I was in paradise. I have been wanting to study Greek for so long!!! This was second year Greek, so they were all far more advanced than I was. I can recognize letters and sound out words, but that's it. I pulled out my English Bible to follow along in John 1 as they read the Greek together. Between the English Bible and my understanding of the definitions the teacher was explaining in Croatian, I could at least figure out what they were talking about.

So about half way through the class, I notice that when the teacher turned her back to write on the chalk board, the students would pass a note through the rows. They were a well-oiled machine. To the side, around the back, tossed over the head the note went. They were on top of it, all without being seen. I was entertained watching them pass the note, since I've been out of school for almost 2 years and feel like I've forgotten all my note-passing skills. Suddenly the note made it to my row, and it was flicked in front of me. The girl next to me whispered "for you." What?! All that note passing was for me? Ha!

I opened it up: a friend sitting up front was asking if I could follow the class. I tried not to laugh out loud. I scribbled a little "trying to!" and off the note went back, over the head, around the back and up to the front. Amazing skill.

So that was Greek class. I can't wait to go back... perhaps someday soon I'll be in my own Greek class for my own degree. Hmm....

Distractions

2007-06-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

A month or so ago, I was talking to God as I sat by our window facing the street. There's a couch under those windows, so I've enjoyed sitting on the back of the couch watching the people.

So after praying for awhile, I got a little distracted and realized that if I was standing on our balcony, I could probably jump from our balcony to the top of one of buses that go by all day. Each of the buses have handles on the top with a little trap door, for easy hanging on. There is a bus stop on the street right before our apartment, so the buses are usually just pulling way. There's also a slow traffic light on the corner that backs up traffic. That keeps the buses from accelerating quickly from the bus stop. Here's a photo with a truck going by. See it's really not that far to jump.

Bummer that if I miss, I land on a few metal dumpsters.

Ok, so maybe we have been watching a little too much "24." But playing Jack Bauer could cut down on bus ticket costs.

Lazy Blogger

2007-06-02T08:17:00.001-07:00

Ok, I'm back. I know I haven't posted in a really long time, but this last month has been crazier than I thought possible. I just haven't had time to blog.

Well, now I have this backlog list of things that I want to talk about... but I fear that I will never get to them. Instead, I will now summarize with just a few sentences dedicated to each.

Ireland- We got to go to Ireland for Easter. (Hooray for Ryan Air cheap flights!) Sarah flew in to hang with the team and I. I got to see Dublin at sunrise on Easter morning, as according to family tradition to watch the sunrise on Easter and thank Jesus for His ressurection. Sarah and I also got to hang out with some fun and deeply refreshing new Irish friends. Here's a late but sincere thank you Kevin and Claire for everything. You two were the highlight of our trip.

Rab- It's my new favorite island. Our friends Sanjin and Ana hooked Sarah and I up with a free and amazing apartment. for the weekend after Easter. We walked on the beach, took photos of the ancient churches, and road scooters pretending we were in a motorcycle gang. It was priceless.

Haircut- Maja and I got our hair cut awhile ago. Doesn't she look hot? I have a double chin... I wasn't the biggest fan of my hair cut, so I went and got it cut again. It's really short now.

Ok, well, that's all for now.

The Audi Tiger Tank

2007-04-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

If you have read my blog for awhile, you'll know that we drive the craziest car ever. An Audi 80 1984 with three doors that don't open well and two bumpers that can fall off at random times. It quite possibly might be the only automatic in Croatia. The rust was recently covered by duct tape that was painted over (to pass inspection), so we moved up a notch.

Well, yesterday on the way to Zagreb, we were booking down the highway. The Tiger Tank was behaving pretty well, and Sunny had her going at a nice speak of 80 kph. All of a sudden, in the middle of all the normal rattling and super loud moaning, there was a sharp clank. I turned around to look out the back window to see a foot and a half long curved pipe cartwheel down the road behind our car. Luckily, Zoran, who was driving a car full of friends behind us, swerved quick enough to avoid it and then burst out into laughter. Both cars took the next exit. At first we were laughing too hard to really talk about what to do next, but we came to the conclusion it was fine to drive. We assumed that it was some sort of exhaust pipe, even though the muffler was still there.

We arrived safety in Zagreb only 20 minutes late, but with another car story to tell. Now all we have to do is find a mechanic who will work on an ancient car.

The Death of Air Filters

2007-04-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is a really boring post, but I felt the irony to strong to ignore the fact that all of the air filters in this city seem to have self destructed or become unusable.

So since my health depends on being able to control my home environment so my body has a place to rest from reactions, air filters can be pretty important. Who would have thought that happiness could depend on a noisy plastic fan?

Well, this year, with the sweet generosity of my parents, we started off the year with 5 air filters, which I have lovingly dubbed Huge One, Travel One, China One, Cheap US One, and actual Europe Nice One.

Huge One arrived in Eastern Europe a little over a year ago with the Mikalati who graciously brought it over in their China sized bag (seriously). It worked for about a week and a half and then abruptly decided to never work again. After many difficult conversations with Hungarians. (I did't know anyone who spoke Hungarian and very few Hungarians who spoke English! Ugh.)Ond of our Croatian friends took it to Budapest to get worked on, but after 6 months they gave up hope of fixing it and tried to just sell me something else.

Travel One has been around awhile as well. It is about the size of volley ball and has seen 9 countries in this area as we have traveled. But the trouble with Travel One is that it is no longer round, but being dented from all the luggage handling it is now a funky octagon shape. He has gotten a little temperamental in his age, but with a screwdriver we can usually get him working again. Technically it's the only one that still functions for short periods of time.

China One mom found online for really cheap and had it shipped directly from China. It arrived in record time, but sadly when you turn it on it smells constantly like plastic and will only stay on for a few hours at a time. Thanks anyway, Mom!

Cheap US One arrive this September in my bags. It has been a great help in our living room and was the last normal size filter to be working. Being made for US voltage, we had it always plugged into a converter, but the other day one of my roommates accidentally plugged it into an adapter instead of a converter. A noise and burning smell ensued. A burst of laughter and a round of apologies quickly followed. Goodbye filter.

European Nice One is still around, but he blew out his replacement filter a few months ago. We once again struggled through the Hungarian language barrier to find that we could buy the replacement piece of $80! It's a $20 piece! In my stubbornness I refused. After one unsuccessful try to get the replacement piece from the US, we are hoping it will arrive someday soon.

Ugh. Seriously, how strange and annoying.

I'm back

2007-04-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger. So much has happened since my last post. I have a list of deep thoughts collected over the weeks that I wanted to write about, but I'm pretty sure very few of them will be given the time to appear on this blog. Oh well.

One thing that has happened in Rijeka is that I have had the honor of meeting some new people. Now if you know me at all, you know that I love meeting new people. I'm a bit of an extrovert and get excited to introduce myself and hear about a new life that I haven't heard about before. It is the center of mocking within my team.

But these new people just aren't the same. I mean I meet new college or high school students all the time, between the ages of 17 and 26, with all sorts of desires, passions and ideas. They have had all sorts of experiences in life and teach me a lot, but all of them come from a Croat background.

One of my newest friend (well, now he's an older friend, about a month and a half or so) is not the same. He comes from a different culture and ethinicity and background but lives in our same city. His people come originally from Egypt, they think, then settled in Albania for generations but during the war arrived in Rijeka around 20 years ago. They live in community, mostly from the same background, at the top of a hill behind some large buildings in the city.

The perspective on life in Rijeka I hear from my friend is very different from what I have ever heard before. I learn a lot from him. He talks about Islam, their cultural religion. He talks about persecution they have faced. He talks about hardship. He talks about cultural and ethnic identity. He talks about the corruption of power. He talks about just surviving as the purpose of life.

Other friends of mine from church and from the Logos II boat have met him as well, so he has almost been placed in a network of people. I hope that I continue to learn from him, and I hope that the Incarnate Love is revealed to him. I hope he sees it in those of us he meets.

I guess I don't really have a conclusion to this other than I'm glad that God is allowing me to meet new and different kinds of people here. This is becoming more and more home as I see the different sides of the city. I'm still praying that the love of Jesus unites this whole city and radically changes it.

Passion Week Begins Tomorrow

2007-03-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

And he began to speak to them in parables. “A man planted a vineyard and put a fence around it and dug a pit for the winepress and built a tower, and leased it to tenants and went into another country. When the season came, he sent a servant to the tenants to get from them some of the fruit of the vineyard. And they took him and beat him and sent him away empty-handed. Again he sent to them another servant, and they struck him on the head and treated him shamefully. And he sent another, and him they killed. And so with many others: some they beat, and some they killed. He had still one other, a beloved son. Finally he sent him to them, saying, ‘They will respect my son.’ But those tenants said to one another, ‘This is the heir. Come, let us kill him, and the inheritance will be ours.’ And they took him and killed him and threw him out of the vineyard. What will the owner of the vineyard do? He will come and destroy the tenants and give the vineyard to others. Have you not read this Scripture:
“‘The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; this was the Lord's doing,and it is marvelous in our eyes’?”

Come Awake

2007-03-31T03:49:00.000-07:00

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

-David Crowder Band

The words of this song brought a few of us to tears the other day as we were listening to it. Sometimes praying for a place and a group of people is hard and routine. We feel grateful for what we see God doing. We ask Him to keep blessing us and showing people how great He is. "Thanks, God. Please, God. We love you. Amen"

Other times, we feel broken and desperately long for God to move so people will come awake and see the true life that Christ offers. We want a place to praise God together, because He is what this life and world are all about. I wonder if we then are getting a taste of what Nehemiah felt when, a long time ago, he prayed for God to rebuild Jerusalem so that the people who loved God could meet again and worship Him. He prayed for months. I wonder if it is this feeling that resembles something of what Jesus felt when He looked out at Jerusalem and lamented because He wanted to bring them under His wings like a hen does to her chicks but they would not have it.

It is a joyful lament to desperately long for something like that, because there is hope that God will do it. People will praise Him, know Him and have joy.

TMNT

2007-03-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

That's right! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

So my completely nerdy childhood tendencies are coming out, but I was a huge Ninja Turtles fan as a child. We're talking the movies, the action figures, and even the outfit. Yep, the full turtle outfit with a removable velcro turtle shell. (Thanks, Mom!)

My favorite was always Raph. I'm not really sure why, with all of his anger issues, but as a child, maybe I just liked his rebellious nature? Who knows.

Anyway, the point of this post, is to say that a couple days before John left, John took me to see the new movie. John is a fellow Ninja Turtles fan, so months ago we decided we would go to see it together. We didn't think it would come to Croatia, but it did!

You can imagine the excitement as we approached the movie theater. We had been telling each other to have very low expectations, since there was no way this new one could compare to the old classics. No, I didn't wear my Raph mask that Allison bought me for my birthday. John wouldn't let me.

John got our tickets, and we made our way into the movie theater and up to our seats in the balcony. We were surrounded by a sea of 7 year old boys, a few parents, and then us. We decided that at least they were young enough that they probably wouldn't talk during the movie. The music began. We settled in, and then it happened. Was it me or... it was dubbed! No normal Croatian subtitles. Nope, the movie was entirely in Croatian. John and I had to laugh. Oh well, at least the plot would be basic. Beat the bad guys.

So in the end, the movie wasn't that bad. It superseded our low expectations. But then again, we didn't understand very much of it. But we still laughed at the characters and their one liners that we could understand. I've been planning on looking up the plot online to see if I actually followed what happened correctly but haven't done that yet. Maybe that would be a good idea before I give my opinion on the movie on my blog. Oh well.

Exile

2007-03-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

John left for Sarajevo yesterday. No, he's not exactly in exile; we just joke about it. He had to leave Croatia for awhile until his visa situation is worked out. We thought he had a tourist visa, but then some higher court decided that they wanted to review his case. He can't be in the country while they review it, so now we are just waiting for them to make a ruling. Really, either way they rule, we can bring him back and move forward from there, but we don't know how long it will take them. We are hoping it will be just a week.... but governmental processes in Croatia haven't proved to move very fast so it could take awhile...

He's been sick, so pray that he gets some rest down there and feels better. He is hanging with our fun friends down there, so pray that he is also encouraged by them and encourages them too.

We are officially a team of 4 ladies!

Sometimes we think we are playing STINT survivor style. I'm afraid that Alexis or I are set up to be the next in line to be "voted off," since our visas are still up for renewal right now...

Things on the Internet

2007-03-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm stealing this idea from Matt, and am going to list some of the things I've been looking at online. These won't be as "cool" as his, but these are more along the lines of things that are on my heart, take up my time as I browse, and keep me awake to pray for.

The fighting in Somalia continues as now their talking about withdrawing the Ethiopian troops. I'm don't know a ton about what's been going on, but I'm trying to keep up to date.

Mozambique always catches my eye because of some of my childhood heroes used to live in Maputo, working at a Christian school. (They're actually returning in a few months.) Now there's been weapon explosions and a flood leaving so many homeless.

The rebuilding and growth of the churches in southern Sudan after the civil year tore them apart years ago always gets me so excited. I love hearing more about it. Well, while I'm being honest, I'll admit that every couple of months I go to this site and browse the open job positions in southern Sudan. I even got to the point of opening the application today. :) But that's still a ways down the road if God wants it. Of course, there's always Darfur to keep up on too. Wow, I feel like I'm so depressing writing all of this, but really, I enjoy knowing and praying for them.

My brothers and sisters who are persecuted because of the name of Jesus encourage me with their faith. And when they pray for their attackers to come to know Jesus, I'm always moved. The worth of Christ is displayed to so many when they choose to stay or return to the hard places, North Korea, Iraq, or wherever.

On a lighter note, my newest pastime has been the podcasts from this site teaching me biblical Greek. I'm already on lesson eight and am working on my first 5 verbs and their present conjugation forms. I know I'm supposed to be studying Croatian... but this is so much fun! Plus, I think being a visual learner makes me really like the video thing.

Other news, John Piper's father passed away (I know, I know. I'm depressing, but this is turns up, really.), but he wrote an inspiring article about his last few moments with his dad. When I die or when people I love who know Him die, I want that to be the interaction: peace, celebration for how we have served the King and a sharing of the Gospel. He always encourages me. All the roommates can get lost in desiringgod.org and not come up for air for hours. The same for the Mars Hill Church website.

That's pretty much what I've been checking online recently. Plus a little of stalking on Facebook, and hunting for a husband for Lexie on blogspot. (Just kidding!)

Osobni oglas

2007-03-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

For language class last week we read personal ads, and for homework we were to either respond to one or write our own. Of course, being Alexis, John and I, we wrote personal ads for either other instead of for ourselves. Alexis is writing John's, and I wrote one for Alexis. John wrote mine, which I'm sure will end up on the internet sometime soon as well. It more or less came down to "single and ready to mingle," so yes, Andy, Pete and the MSU guys, your teasing lives on. Now John and Zoran are bringing it up.

Here's what I wrote for Alexis:

Mlada, kreativna, avanturista, želi upoznati muškarca između 24-30 godina koji je duhovit, vjernik, inteligetan, i može ići ukorak sa snjom. Treba željeti djecu i glasbu. želi oženiti se uskoro.

Šifra: Seattle Draga

Young, creative, adventurer, wants to meet a man between ages 24-30 who is funny, godly, intelligent and can keep up with her. Needs to like children and music. Wants to marry soon.
Signed: Seattle Sweetheart

I was pretty kind... I could have gone in more depth, but I'm a procrastinator and wrote it 10 minutes before language class. Oh, and I didn't know how to say "internal clock fast and furious, ready for marriage."

Next week we get to respond to each other. Woohahaha. Dragana (our good friend and language teacher) thinks we are hilarious and probably the strangest people she knows, but that's another blog post.

VISA!!!

2007-03-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

Nope, not talking about the credit card. John has a visa! After much, much, much stress and drama, God has provided a tourist visa for John for the next three months! He doesn't have to leave! Yes, I know that he shouldn't be eligible for a tourist visa. ha ha ha, but somehow they gave him one anyway. Praise God!
It felt pretty close there for awhile. We were thinking of packing him up.
Yay, so we are celebrating!

Windy Days

2007-03-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

I love windy days. I love when it blows so hard that you have to bundle up to keep warm but get to sit in the sun. I love the way the air feels, the way you can see the mountains and the way it feels like you are in your own little world with an mp3 player, a book and your bench. It's always the best when you wear a long skirt on these windy days, a long flowy skirt that you can be warm in but feel dramatic in.

I even kinda like sitting at the harbor on my Sabbath in the wind, since there aren't any parks really to go to in Rijeka.

In general, I think I've just missed the bura (the strong wind) this year.

And then there were two...

2007-03-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks, we have gone from 6 to 2. That's right. Today for "team time" there were two: Sunny and Taylor.

Andy is in Portland with his family. The A-Ladies, Alexis and Allison, are in Budapest trying to register our junk-heap of a car. And John deserted us today for a conference in Zagreb. So here we are! Holding down the fort!

It did make "team time" fun and personal though. Sun and I went for a walk from Volosko to Opatija along the water (two little towns outside of Rijeka). It was so pretty and quiet. Um, quiet is not how i would describe our normal team times. ;)

Women's Day!

2007-03-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was International Women's Day.

We got flowers.

Thanks, John!

Visas

2007-03-01T06:10:00.000-08:00

So... Alexis and my visa expires next month so we are in the process of reapplying. That should all get turned into the police in Zagreb today to start it all. Please pray for us about that.

But more critical is John's visa status. If you remember, he was denied a visa last fall. We appealed and have been waiting the decision. We found out last Friday that the decision had been made and was told we should hear from the police here in Rijeka on Monday. No news. We have gone to the police station every day asking for news but to no avail. You can imagine the emotional roller coaster that can be. If John is denied, it is very possible that he will have to leave Croatia for a few months.

We are back to waiting again. Hopefully we will hear news soon. We are trusting the Lord that whatever He has for us will happen.

Losing both of our men in a week might feel pretty dramatic...

My Friend

2007-03-01T06:06:00.000-08:00

My friend, Andy, left this morning. His mother is not doing well again. Being in serious condition, he decided to fly home. This morning at 4am we all shoved ourselves into our beat up car for the drive to Zagreb to drop him off. He arrives in Portland tonight at 8pm. Will you please pray for him? And pray for his mom.

We miss him already. It was so strange to watch him pack his things, almost all his stuff. We don't know if he will be able to return to join us in Croatia, but we hope so.

We're praying for you, Andy, and your family back here is with you in spirit.

Gratefulness: I repent

2007-02-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, so just minutes after finishing blogging, I was convicted. Just this morning, Jenna, Sunny's friend who is visiting, mentioned how great our apartment is. I went off on how much I agreed and how it really was a miracle how God provided it (and affordable) and how much easier it makes our lives. So let me try to be thankful and list what God has provided in this apartment that I'm "stuck in."

Our place doesn't make me sick with it's old wood floors, antique furniture and air filters. It has a balcony and a terrace on either side of the building. I'm currently sitting on nice furniture next to a working heater in our huge living room with vaulted ceilings where we have fit no less than 40 people. With three bedrooms, we aren't squished all living in one room (like last year). Our kitchen and dining area are amazing for hosting socials and intimate Bible times. Our bathroom is well furnished, and the leaks have been fixed. We have hot water and high speed internet. The place is very quiet, since sound windows were just installed last month, keeping in warmer, quieter and cleaner. We're just a 2 minute walk from 2 colleges, the boys, and the student restaurant. Did I mention that it doesn't make me sick?

Ok, I'm humbled. I'm done now.

Complaining

2007-02-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel like a caged animal. Today is one of those days.

It's a catch 22: I need to process and spend quality time with the Lord today. But I'm antsy and really tired of being in this apartment. If I go outside anywhere in our stinkin' (literally) city, I'll get sick and won't be able to think and spend quality time processing and praying (This is certain. I've tried to pretend its not true, but it doesn't work.). If I travel outside the city, whatever form of transportation will make me sick as well.

See smog on left.

So I'm stuck wandering around our apartment growling this morning. Grrrrr....

But now that I'm done complaining, the antsy-ness will fade, and I'll be able to concentrate. I'm fine, really. Just whining.

Augustine Again

2007-02-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

This is a long one. I usually don't finish quotes on other's blogs when they look this long, but stick with this one. It's worth it.

... pride, for instance, which is pretence of superiority, imitating yours, for you alone are God, supreme over all; or ambition, which is only a craving for honour and glory, when you alone are to be honoured before all and you alone are glorious for ever. Cruelty is the weapon of the powerful, used to make others fear them; yet no one is to be feared but God alone, from whose power nothing can be snatched away or stolen by any man at any time or place or by any means. The lustful use caresses to win the love they crave for, yet no caress is sweeter than your charity and no love is more rewarding than the love of your truth, which shines in beauty above all else. Inquisitiveness has all the appearance of a thirst for knowledge, yet you have supreme knowledge of all things. Ignorance too, and stupidity choose to go under the mask of simplicity and innocence, because you are simplicity itself and no innocence is greater than yours. You are innocent even of the harm which overtakes the wicked, for it is the result of their own actions. Sloth poses as the love of peace: yet what certain peace is there besides the Lord? Extravagance masquerades as fullness and abundance: but you are the full, unfailing store of never-dying sweetness. The spendthrift makes a pretence of liberality: but you are the most generous dispenser of all good. The covetous want many possessions for themselves: you possess all. The envious struggle for preferment: but what is to be preferred before you? Anger demands revenge: but what vengeance is as just as yours? Fear shrinks from any sudden, unwonted danger which threatens the things that it loves, for its only care is safety: but to you nothing is strange, nothing unforeseen. No one can part you from the things that you love, and safety is assured nowhere but in you. Grief eats away its heart for the loss of things which it took pleasure in desiring, but it wants to be like you, from whom nothing can be taken away.

So the soul defiles itself with unchaste love when it turns away from you and looks elsewhere for things which it cannot find pure and unsullied except by returning to you. All who desert you and set themselves up against you merely copy you in a perverse way; but by this very act of imitation they only show that you are the Creator of all nature and, consequently, that there is no place whatever where man may hide away from you.

Confessions Book II, 6

This spoke pretty directly to my sin, and how I want what only God has. It provided me an answer as I could instead praise Him for who He is, rather than longing for what I will never be and have.

Hmm... I don't say it very well, but Augustine said it clearly. Just read the quote.

That’s it.

2007-02-21T08:17:00.001-08:00

So I've decided not to post about our vacation in Morocco. I know. I know. My adoring fans are incredibly disappointed in this decision, but I just can't. I have no idea where to start, and I really don't have time to go over it. In summary, Spain was fun and refreshing with wonderful fellowship with my STINT friends all over and some amazing teaching from Scott Keatro. Morocco was moving. I've never been outside of "western" culture before, and it really is as different as all my international business classes taught me. I loved seeing all the villages and villagers outside of the city. I still pray for some of them. I'm sure that more of how I'm processing about the whole trip will come out on my blog later on.

If you want more info, Allison and Alexis have faithfully posted photos and comments about our trip. See links to their blogs on the right. Sunny has also posted a hilarious story about our stay in "Hostel Marrakesh" which is located in Algeciras, Spain. Check it out.

2007-02-20T04:09:00.000-08:00

... All these things and their like can be occasions of sin because, good though they are, they are of the lower order of good, and if we are too much tempted by them we abandon those higher and better things, your truth, your law, and you yourself, O Lord our God. For these earthly things, too, can give joy, though not such joy as my God, who made them all, can give, because honest men will rejoice in the Lord; upright hearts will now boast in vain.

Saint Augustine in Confessions

How often I settle for the lower things. How often I forget the immense joy from our God. And then I get to celebrate when I remember can come back.

Karnival

2007-02-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, we went out in public like that. Can you tell who we are? Well, probably not. Check out this video first and then guess.

Now can you tell? Yes! We are "A je to!" Their names are Mat and Pat, two characters from a Czech cartoon that is really popular over here. No, we didn't pick the costumes. Our friend Iva asked us to dress up with her group... and who can say no to dressing up for Karnival?!

Above is Alexis with Iva and the other hundred people dressed up as A je to. Apparently in the cartoon the break things a lot while trying to fix them, hence the fake saw.

So while this was incredibly embarrassing, at least we weren't the only ones dressed like crazy people: thousands of people were. The Korzo was packed with people in matching costumes and individuals in their own unique creations.

After hours of dancing to the A je to theme song and Croatian folk music in the parade, Alexis and I bailed. But it was ok, because other than Iva, our group had consumed enough alcohol not to notice.

There are many stories from this day. We kept asking ourselves "Can you believe we live in a place like this?!" But it was an experience that I will always be able to laugh about. Oh, and does anyone need an A je to costume?