The Tension

There is a returning tension in my life between braininess/nerdiness/joy of learning and the practicality/ joy of being with and loving real people. It sounds like just a funny quirk and not that life changing, but really, how I approach it changes what I do with my time and where I spend my life. This week is a good example of the extremes.

This evening I am sitting in my living room with my laptop on my lap. In the two previous days, I've probably spent over 16 hours on my computer staring at Biblical texts and notes on such texts and writing more documents about aforementioned texts for class. Then for a change, tonight I've been rummaging my normal blogs, looking for new articles, quotes or messages from different pastors and theologians. A couple of lectures on the use of the Old Testament in the New by D.A. Carson jumped out at me, and I downloaded them without hesitating. While I should be writing a paper, I've justified it to myself that this can count as "research." So for the last 2 hours I have been reading new articles from Goldsworthy and listening to Carson and placing holds on books by Kostenberger. Man, I love this. My reading list has exploded. Carson has me drooling over some Greek and wishing I could read Septuagint Greek better (ok, ALL Greek better). I'm criticizing myself for not coming to more solid conclusion on where I stand on certain Old Testament interpretations and am really wishing that I had a place I could teach about the biblical theology of the temple, since it gets me all worked up.

Then on the flip side, today I met a new gal named Marta (not her real name). Marta had read very little of the Bible before, just the beginning and the end, and she had no church experience. A new friend and I sat down and talked with her about what the Bible said and why Jesus mattered in life. Suddenly, it didn't matter what I thought of the implications of a certain Hebrew verb in Deuteronomy. It didn't even matter that I knew Deuteronomy was written in Hebrew. All that mattered was Jesus. I mean, it was nice how easily I could talk about how the Old Testament led to Him, but really, she needed to hear about love, forgiveness, hope, grace and life. She needed me to listen and to love her, so I did. And it was great. The delight it was to share with her about those things was greater than all the highs of Hebrew grammar (even though those are really pretty great for me).

So I wonder why I even play with the idea of getting another degree. How does that change that the world? Some days I would love to come back to academia. I would LOVE to study more. Man, I just want to eat it all up. I'd love to write my thoughts. But would I just be hiding in academia with other Christians who are avoiding the pain and need in the world? Really, does the church need more people in academia? Or does it need more people to meet, love and listen to Martas?

I guess the other question is: can I live in both worlds? They are supposed to be able to go together, but I don't really see how they do. I don't do half way well. I know this about myself. I tend to throw myself into whatever is before me. Moderation does NOT come easily. So I guess I live in tension, with one ruling my life at one period and then the other during another era. And I'll just vacilate in multi-year stints from one to the other for the rest of my life? Or I'll get wiser and figure out how to actually do both well. Or the Lord will make clear the way I need to go. Or something like that...